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Talking to your children
I was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago and started treatment today. I have 2 small children (ages 7 and 5). We have not told them anything because we are not sure what to tell them or if we can tell them in a way they would understand and not be worried/scared. Does anybody else have experience or suggestions telling small children about your or your loved one's diagnosis?
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Trhose - Who do you know with myeloma?: Myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2/5/2013
- Age at diagnosis: 39
Re: Talking to your children
Hi Trhose,
I hope you get some useful responses to your question.
In the meantime, you may find the postings in this thread helpful:
https://myelomabeacon.org/forum/weekly-poll-telling-young-children-about-your-myeloma-t922.html
I hope you get some useful responses to your question.
In the meantime, you may find the postings in this thread helpful:
https://myelomabeacon.org/forum/weekly-poll-telling-young-children-about-your-myeloma-t922.html
Re: Talking to your children
Hi there - I was diagnosed in 2008 and had my harvest in early 2010. When I lost my hair my kids were 6 and 3. I simply said I had shaved my head and that was that. I went in for my stem cell transplant last jan 2013. Prior to that I knew I had to tell the kids. They are now 9 & 6. Our pediatrician said to tell them together as the 9yr old will be afraid to ask and the 6 yr old won't know any different.
I have a post on my blog called the dreaded discussion. This is what I wrote after I spoke with my kids. At age 7 you eldest is just at that age where they may understand and may not I would suggest you be reassuring and have some fun with it so that they aren't scared. If your scared they will be scared. Best of luck
http://rugbyhubby.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-dreaded-discussion.html?m=0
I have a post on my blog called the dreaded discussion. This is what I wrote after I spoke with my kids. At age 7 you eldest is just at that age where they may understand and may not I would suggest you be reassuring and have some fun with it so that they aren't scared. If your scared they will be scared. Best of luck
http://rugbyhubby.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-dreaded-discussion.html?m=0
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Rugbyhubby
Re: Talking to your children
My grand daughter who is 3 lives with me. We do not tell her the scary part of Multiple Myeloma. We tell her that Grams has a booboo inside that the doctor checks every so often. We also tell her Grams needs to rest alot. She asks how I am every day and is begining to understand that somedays I can't play. children are smart and sponges. They learn from their environment and learn to respect certain conditions if told the truth. Though we don't tell her everything we do not give her false information. What is endearing to me is when I am feeling "less energetic" my grand daughter cozies up and snuggles with me to help me feel better. Her heart is so big!
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jantkme2
Re: Talking to your children
I'm not a child psychologist , but I am a mom. With children that young I sure wouldn't use the cancer word. Your oldest might already know that word and know it's "bad". You could use other real words - words that they are going to hear you use. You could tell them you have Myeloma - a sickness of your blood that the doctors are going to treat. That you will be getting medicine . That sometimes it will make you extra tired. Sometimes the medicine that helps you get better actually makes you feel crummy some days. You get the idea. All truthful, but without the big C word.
Best of luck in your journey. Keep reading the Beacon. You will be reassured by all those walking your journey, and you will find some of the best multiple myeloma information that is out there.
Best of luck in your journey. Keep reading the Beacon. You will be reassured by all those walking your journey, and you will find some of the best multiple myeloma information that is out there.
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Anonymous
Re: Talking to your children
I have 2 eight year olds and a 10 year old. I never told them I have cancer. I just think they can not understand at this age. I told them I am sick and I go to doctors as I am trying to get better. I do have the advantage since I am not taking any drugs at this time. I also told them to pray for healing for mommy, and they do! Nothing like the faith of a child 
Re: Talking to your children
Hello. I'm 39 years old. I was diagnosed on October 2011, had my transplant on April 2012.
My two girls were 7 and 3 years old. We never said the word cancer. Still don't. My oldest, asked me if I had cancer... Since her playmates at school told her so... these things get out. We must have an answer for them. I couldn't tell her the truth. It would only scare her. I told her that I was ill, that the treatment made me lose my hair, but I was better now, and everything was ok. One step at a time. I am ok now. So... Why burden small children with something that they cannot deal with.
I truly hope you will be in complete response after your treatment. Best of luck!
My two girls were 7 and 3 years old. We never said the word cancer. Still don't. My oldest, asked me if I had cancer... Since her playmates at school told her so... these things get out. We must have an answer for them. I couldn't tell her the truth. It would only scare her. I told her that I was ill, that the treatment made me lose my hair, but I was better now, and everything was ok. One step at a time. I am ok now. So... Why burden small children with something that they cannot deal with.
I truly hope you will be in complete response after your treatment. Best of luck!
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Cecília
Re: Talking to your children
I was also diagnosed at age 39 with 4 small children at home (ages 3,5,8 and 10.) My husband and I immediately enlisted the help of a child psychologist to help our kids deal with the devastation of an illness. This gave them a professional they could safely talk to, and someone who could give them the tools to cope. Because children are perceptive and will certainly pick up on the emotional distress of the household, we were told that the "fear of the unknown" is always worse for a child, than the known (no matter how hard that truth is.)
I understand though,everyone has to make their own choices.
What I looked for when I was diagnosed was hope. I can tell you I am 10 years out from an auto transplant and in a solid remission, with no further treatment or maintenance having been required.
My oldest son is now a sophomore in college and my daughter, who is graduating from high school in June, just wrote the most incredible and inspiring college entrance essay on the lessons of resilience and perseverance an illness teaches you.
Their lives are changed forever; it's not what I would have wished for them, but they are amazing human beings that are thriving, despite having to deal with a life perspective well beyond their years. As my daughter so astutely wrote "We cannot control the hardships we face in life, though we all have the choice: to let them destroy and define us, or use them as an opportunity to learn and grow."
They have all grown. Not only in years, but in bravery, compassion and selflessness.
I wish you the very best. I know how hard this is.
I understand though,everyone has to make their own choices.
What I looked for when I was diagnosed was hope. I can tell you I am 10 years out from an auto transplant and in a solid remission, with no further treatment or maintenance having been required.
My oldest son is now a sophomore in college and my daughter, who is graduating from high school in June, just wrote the most incredible and inspiring college entrance essay on the lessons of resilience and perseverance an illness teaches you.
Their lives are changed forever; it's not what I would have wished for them, but they are amazing human beings that are thriving, despite having to deal with a life perspective well beyond their years. As my daughter so astutely wrote "We cannot control the hardships we face in life, though we all have the choice: to let them destroy and define us, or use them as an opportunity to learn and grow."
They have all grown. Not only in years, but in bravery, compassion and selflessness.
I wish you the very best. I know how hard this is.
Re: Talking to your children
Your responses have been very helpful. My 7-year-old was very sad this weekend because we couldn't spend a lot of time together. She asked me if I was sick and I gave a simple and reassuring explanation that the doctor said I'm sick on the inside and I'm taking medicine and there are times when I really need to rest. I told her we would have time together even if its just cuddle time. That was hard to do this weekend because she was sick with some kind of virus, but it seemed to appease her. I'm sure she will have more questions and notice more especially when I have the stem cell transplant but I let her know all the time that she can talk to me about anything.
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Trhose - Who do you know with myeloma?: Myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2/5/2013
- Age at diagnosis: 39
Re: Talking to your children
I was diagnosed at 43 when my children were 6 (girl) and 10 (boy). After an allograft in April 2011 I am now in remission. Prior to diagnosis they knew my back was bad and that I couldnt do as much as I used to. I used to run with them, jump on the trampoline, do adult gymnastics and was fairly active. At diagnosis my husband and I told them there were bad things in my back and that I needed treatment. My 6 year old explained this to her classmates (mum has bugs in her back) which got passed on to other mums and was misconstrued (a good case of chinese whispers) as me needing back surgery.
I cant remember if it was the night that we told them or a week or so after but our son came into our bedroom when Catherine had gone to bed and asked us if it was cancer. We said yes. There are so many adds on tv relating to cancer that we felt (for us) that it was the right decision to tell the children that I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a blood cancer. The hardest part is taking the fear out of the C word. In Australia the Cancer Council used to be called the Anti-cancer Council but they changed the name because of the negative connotations. One of their mottos now is "living with cancer".
When I lost my hair the kids collected it to give it to the birds for their nests (reduce, reuse and recycle).
I have tried to explain in simple terms to them the processes and expectations of my myeloma journey. Catherine would go into school and tell her class and some of the mums that my counts were coming down - yahh. There would be other times when I was in hospital for extended periods and couldn't see them or they would have a cold and I wouldn't kiss them. I believe it was important for them to know why these things were happening.
Like MJS we sought professional help for the children. I can see their resislience growing.
Their understanding was important when we had to tell them the devastating news that there was to be no more treatment and I had been told to go and do the things I wanted to do (and quickly) - luckily the doctors changed their minds
My sons response was 10 years was too soon and my daughter (then 8) leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "are you going to make it to Christmas". I still tear up at the memory. It certainly has been a roller coaster.
All the best for your journey.
I cant remember if it was the night that we told them or a week or so after but our son came into our bedroom when Catherine had gone to bed and asked us if it was cancer. We said yes. There are so many adds on tv relating to cancer that we felt (for us) that it was the right decision to tell the children that I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a blood cancer. The hardest part is taking the fear out of the C word. In Australia the Cancer Council used to be called the Anti-cancer Council but they changed the name because of the negative connotations. One of their mottos now is "living with cancer".
When I lost my hair the kids collected it to give it to the birds for their nests (reduce, reuse and recycle).
I have tried to explain in simple terms to them the processes and expectations of my myeloma journey. Catherine would go into school and tell her class and some of the mums that my counts were coming down - yahh. There would be other times when I was in hospital for extended periods and couldn't see them or they would have a cold and I wouldn't kiss them. I believe it was important for them to know why these things were happening.
Like MJS we sought professional help for the children. I can see their resislience growing.
Their understanding was important when we had to tell them the devastating news that there was to be no more treatment and I had been told to go and do the things I wanted to do (and quickly) - luckily the doctors changed their minds
My sons response was 10 years was too soon and my daughter (then 8) leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "are you going to make it to Christmas". I still tear up at the memory. It certainly has been a roller coaster. All the best for your journey.
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LibbyC - Name: LibbyC
- Who do you know with myeloma?: myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2009
- Age at diagnosis: 43
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