Hi,
I'm 3 months down the track since stem cell transplantation and a year of treatment (Velcade, etc.). Emotionally, it is catching up with me. Slightest pressure, change to my routine sends me into a spin. I feel like an emotional time bomb.
I was never very open emotionally, but now it's just so on my surface: anger, tears, paranoia, guilt. I'm tempted to go the medication route, but it seems like it could complicate things more in the long run.
With Christmas coming up, I'm just coming up with excuses to avoid everyone etc.
Forums
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Hi Paul.
I think it is almost like post traumatic stress disorder.
I think you are recovering from a huge loss - you are grieving. Through grieving you express your feelings about your loss, you protest the devastating thing you are dealing with.
My first 6 months I cried all the time. It was embarrassing that I would cry so easily. I didn't want anyone to ask me how I was doing because I was afraid I would start crying. I cried a river those first 6 months and finally I got to a point where I knew I needed to live with what I was dealt in the best way I could.
Instead of asking "why" I started trying to ask "how" - how can I go on?
Can you pray or listen to some relaxation CD? Or would it help to pour out every single thought and feeling in your diary? Do you have one person who is safe to be honest with? Or feel free to say what you feel here on this forum. I think it is healing for us to grieve with you.
Love,
Cathy
I think it is almost like post traumatic stress disorder.
I think you are recovering from a huge loss - you are grieving. Through grieving you express your feelings about your loss, you protest the devastating thing you are dealing with.
My first 6 months I cried all the time. It was embarrassing that I would cry so easily. I didn't want anyone to ask me how I was doing because I was afraid I would start crying. I cried a river those first 6 months and finally I got to a point where I knew I needed to live with what I was dealt in the best way I could.
Instead of asking "why" I started trying to ask "how" - how can I go on?
Can you pray or listen to some relaxation CD? Or would it help to pour out every single thought and feeling in your diary? Do you have one person who is safe to be honest with? Or feel free to say what you feel here on this forum. I think it is healing for us to grieve with you.
Love,
Cathy
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antelope1225 - Name: Cathy1225
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: May 25 2012
- Age at diagnosis: 55
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Hi Paul53,
I think you're right about the post traumatic stress disorder.
When my brother underwent open heart surgery, we were told that it is common for patients to have some depression in the months after that experience. I haven't seen this mentioned specifically with regard to stem cell transplantation, but wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happens to some of us who have had SCTs.
Cathy made some good suggestions; I especially like the diary one - that's something I've been doing regularly for almost 2 years now, and I think it really helps me.
I'd also suggest that you talk openly with your oncologist about this. He/she can then help you with medication, if that's the appropriate route, or possibly suggest "integrative therapies" (music, yoga, etc.) that might help.
Hang in there!
Mike
I think you're right about the post traumatic stress disorder.
When my brother underwent open heart surgery, we were told that it is common for patients to have some depression in the months after that experience. I haven't seen this mentioned specifically with regard to stem cell transplantation, but wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happens to some of us who have had SCTs.
Cathy made some good suggestions; I especially like the diary one - that's something I've been doing regularly for almost 2 years now, and I think it really helps me.
I'd also suggest that you talk openly with your oncologist about this. He/she can then help you with medication, if that's the appropriate route, or possibly suggest "integrative therapies" (music, yoga, etc.) that might help.
Hang in there!
Mike
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mikeb - Name: mikeb
- Who do you know with myeloma?: self
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2009 (MGUS at that time)
- Age at diagnosis: 55
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
In addition to the suggestions that you received so far, consider getting some therapy to help you deal with your emotions. If you are being treated at a major cancer center, there will be a social worker who you can contact to ask about help. That person may be able to work with you or may refer you to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist.
Many people feel that doing that is an admission of weakness, but there are times in our lives when we need the support of a person who is outside of our daily group of family, friends and acquaintances. If you are a religious person, a minister, rabbi, priest, imam would also be someone who could be of help.
All the best to you while you move through this stage of your life,
Nancy in Phila
Many people feel that doing that is an admission of weakness, but there are times in our lives when we need the support of a person who is outside of our daily group of family, friends and acquaintances. If you are a religious person, a minister, rabbi, priest, imam would also be someone who could be of help.
All the best to you while you move through this stage of your life,
Nancy in Phila
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NStewart - Name: Nancy Stewart
- Who do you know with myeloma?: self
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 3/08
- Age at diagnosis: 60
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Hi Paul53,
If you are feeling emotionally very stressed, you really should at least check in with your family doctor or your oncologist about this. I also agree with the other comments given.
There are many people working in the 'healing' professions who could help you to discuss any problems and suggest solutions too! I don't think that you should arbitrarily dismiss any anti-depressant prescriptions. There are good medications available that can help to lift one's mood and that are not addictive.
After all, a cancer diagnosis is kind of depressing, in and of itself. If it becomes emotionally overwhelming, its a good idea to seek help, IMO.
If you are feeling emotionally very stressed, you really should at least check in with your family doctor or your oncologist about this. I also agree with the other comments given.
There are many people working in the 'healing' professions who could help you to discuss any problems and suggest solutions too! I don't think that you should arbitrarily dismiss any anti-depressant prescriptions. There are good medications available that can help to lift one's mood and that are not addictive.
After all, a cancer diagnosis is kind of depressing, in and of itself. If it becomes emotionally overwhelming, its a good idea to seek help, IMO.
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Nancy Shamanna - Name: Nancy Shamanna
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Self and others too
- When were you/they diagnosed?: July 2009
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Hi,
I understand exactly what you mean about your emotionality. It is like both PTSD and grieving. At least for me, the sixth months after the transplant were by far the hardest, probably because I was too sick before the transplant to process what it all meant. The transplant was both physically and mentally debilitating, and about three months post transplant I realized how quickly recurrent the disease could be. I cried so hard that day I tore my retina.
All of the activities mentioned so far helped a lot. Then, after I processed all of the emotions, I was able to come out of the tunnel. I decided whatever time I had left shouldn't be wasted, and started on my bucket list. I love doing those things, so now I'm having fun.
Keep in mind it will get better and you will feel better.
I understand exactly what you mean about your emotionality. It is like both PTSD and grieving. At least for me, the sixth months after the transplant were by far the hardest, probably because I was too sick before the transplant to process what it all meant. The transplant was both physically and mentally debilitating, and about three months post transplant I realized how quickly recurrent the disease could be. I cried so hard that day I tore my retina.
All of the activities mentioned so far helped a lot. Then, after I processed all of the emotions, I was able to come out of the tunnel. I decided whatever time I had left shouldn't be wasted, and started on my bucket list. I love doing those things, so now I'm having fun.
Keep in mind it will get better and you will feel better.
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Ginny - Name: Ginny
- Who do you know with myeloma?: self and four friends
- When were you/they diagnosed?: October, 2012
- Age at diagnosis: 62
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Paul,
Four months post stem cell transplant, I was in a similar situation. I was referred for a psychiatric evaluation. The LAST thing I wanted to do was add another drug to my already overloaded system.
However, I agreed to try Lexapro (escitalopram) (10 mg), and it made such a difference. I also see a therapist at psychiatric oncology at M.D. Anderson every six weeks.
Best wishes, Lovey
Four months post stem cell transplant, I was in a similar situation. I was referred for a psychiatric evaluation. The LAST thing I wanted to do was add another drug to my already overloaded system.
However, I agreed to try Lexapro (escitalopram) (10 mg), and it made such a difference. I also see a therapist at psychiatric oncology at M.D. Anderson every six weeks.
Best wishes, Lovey
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Lovey Beth
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Thank you for your replies and giving me some pointers. Knowing I'm not alone lessens my shame / guilt of hiding what's really going on.
Thanks.
Thanks.
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Paul53 - Name: Paul53
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Me
- When were you/they diagnosed?: Age 49
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
Go for the drugs. Everyday you are depressed is a wasted day. You don't know how many days you have left, so let's not waste any! Many, many patients face the same problem – you are not alone. Jerry
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JBarnes - Name: Jerry Barnes
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Self
- When were you/they diagnosed?: Aug 17, 2012
- Age at diagnosis: 54
Re: Feeling like an emotional time bomb
HI, just like to wish everybody the best Xmas all can have, given circumstances and all 
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Paul53 - Name: Paul53
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Me
- When were you/they diagnosed?: Age 49
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