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Dealing with Negative People
I would love it if anybody had some great comebacks to share that I can use on very negative family and so called friends who feel it their duty to share every single cancer horror story which implies that my husband won't make it!!
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shaznics - Name: Sharon
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Husband
- When were you/they diagnosed?: July 2013
- Age at diagnosis: 48
Re: Dealing with Negative People
Hi Sharon,
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this kind of negativity, especially when they are your family.
Perhaps I lack a sense of humor, but for this kind of insensitivity, a witty comeback is not necessary. I'd just tell them straight up that they can be supportive and keep these kinds of stories to themselves.
Wishing your husband and you the best!
Alex
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this kind of negativity, especially when they are your family.
Perhaps I lack a sense of humor, but for this kind of insensitivity, a witty comeback is not necessary. I'd just tell them straight up that they can be supportive and keep these kinds of stories to themselves.
Wishing your husband and you the best!
Alex
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dnalex - Name: Alex N.
- Who do you know with myeloma?: mother
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2007
- Age at diagnosis: 56
Re: Dealing with Negative People
Hi Shaznics,
They just don't get it do they? I am trying so hard to remember some of my replies but I have let a lot of it go (not all but the majority). Now I limit the time I spend talking with the "negatives" and since I am in remission they are not so negative now. I will say that my relationship with my mother is no longer the same as she is a negative person (I could deal with it better prior to diagnosis) but she cant see it. Mum is 83 and unlikely to change - so small doses.
I notice that your husband has only been diagnosed recently so everyone is probably still in shock mode. Sorry I cant give you one liners.
All the best,
Libby
They just don't get it do they? I am trying so hard to remember some of my replies but I have let a lot of it go (not all but the majority). Now I limit the time I spend talking with the "negatives" and since I am in remission they are not so negative now. I will say that my relationship with my mother is no longer the same as she is a negative person (I could deal with it better prior to diagnosis) but she cant see it. Mum is 83 and unlikely to change - so small doses.
I notice that your husband has only been diagnosed recently so everyone is probably still in shock mode. Sorry I cant give you one liners.
All the best,
Libby
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LibbyC - Name: LibbyC
- Who do you know with myeloma?: myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2009
- Age at diagnosis: 43
Re: Dealing with Negative People
Negative people have to be confronted with the evil they spew. I have only had a very few, but I have used lines similar too, "Well so and so always was weak in every way!" or "It is sad to hear that so and so, was failing or failed, like he failed with so many other things in his life."
I would practice this and work your lines ready to say them upon any slight! I know this is pure evil but I believe fighting fire with fire, so to say.
What I hate just as much is the overly positive Polly Anna people, I have had many more of these,
"oh so and so had cancer of the elbow and was cured 20 yrs ago and is still alive."
Lines like, "I went into the hospital and had a reaction to a food and nearly died."
"My Jimmy has a benign condition which he has lived with since childhood and was in the hospital recently and made it out."
Or the people who slight you with a reference to your lifestyle. "Oh so and so did what you did and got cancer, BUT he is still alive." These idiots do not realize Myeloma is not from lifestyle but perhaps from exposure to hazardous largely hidden chemicals/agents in the environment or
some unknow genetic risk factor for which we have no blame!
I urge you to use the above or sarcasm until they shut up!
Good Luck!
I would practice this and work your lines ready to say them upon any slight! I know this is pure evil but I believe fighting fire with fire, so to say.
What I hate just as much is the overly positive Polly Anna people, I have had many more of these,
"oh so and so had cancer of the elbow and was cured 20 yrs ago and is still alive."
Lines like, "I went into the hospital and had a reaction to a food and nearly died."
"My Jimmy has a benign condition which he has lived with since childhood and was in the hospital recently and made it out."
Or the people who slight you with a reference to your lifestyle. "Oh so and so did what you did and got cancer, BUT he is still alive." These idiots do not realize Myeloma is not from lifestyle but perhaps from exposure to hazardous largely hidden chemicals/agents in the environment or
some unknow genetic risk factor for which we have no blame!
I urge you to use the above or sarcasm until they shut up!
Good Luck!
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KWV
Re: Dealing with Negative People
I have been here for more than four years since diagnosis, so that has definitely 'shut down' some of the negative people I know. I don't know what they are thinking when they tell you that their 'friend, mother, father or some other person' died of myeloma, but I got that a lot four years ago. Counterbalancing that was all the more positive info I learned about how the newer treatments are not only prolonging lives, but giving better QOL also!
So, considering that their loved ones did not have the benefit of the new drugs and even stem cell transplants, I just try to look sympathetic but I do tell them that things are better now for many myeloma patients. Then I remember that I am the patient, and it's my job to take care of myself too. if that means dodging negative people, then it is what I do too!
So, considering that their loved ones did not have the benefit of the new drugs and even stem cell transplants, I just try to look sympathetic but I do tell them that things are better now for many myeloma patients. Then I remember that I am the patient, and it's my job to take care of myself too. if that means dodging negative people, then it is what I do too!
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Nancy Shamanna - Name: Nancy Shamanna
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Self and others too
- When were you/they diagnosed?: July 2009
Re: Dealing with Negative People
I have no qualms about "removing" negative people from my life at this point (after being diagnosed with multiple myeloma). I do NOT need the extra stress in my life. I know it's not always possible to "remove" these people from my life, but to the extent possible, I'll do it and not regret it one bit. If you can't remove them, at least you can attempt to limit the exposure.
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DallasGG - Name: Kent
- Who do you know with myeloma?: myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 6/20/2013
- Age at diagnosis: 56
Re: Dealing with Negative People
I'd suggest something along these lines:
"There are lots of stories from people with this same disease that thought they were going to die in 3-4 years and have lived for 8 or 10 years. Some have lived as long as 20 years. And treatments are getting more effective as time passes. So, that's where our heads are right now. Please respect that."
"There are lots of stories from people with this same disease that thought they were going to die in 3-4 years and have lived for 8 or 10 years. Some have lived as long as 20 years. And treatments are getting more effective as time passes. So, that's where our heads are right now. Please respect that."
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JanInWloo - When were you/they diagnosed?: 2005
- Age at diagnosis: 51
Re: Dealing with Negative People
My mother was the worst offender. My sister intervened and told her to stop with the negative stories. That did help. I second other posters here and suggest you avoid as many of these people as you can. Of course, that is not totally foolproof. As a person dealing with a serious illness, a certain amount of outspokenness is tolerated. Just say, no, stop right there, I don't want to hear that! On a positive note, I had some random strangers approach me with compassionate remarks during my illness. Focus on on the positive-tried but true.
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Allison - Name: Allison
- Who do you know with myeloma?: me
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2007
- Age at diagnosis: 52
Re: Dealing with Negative People
My dad is the most successful kid among five siblings. Since he was healthy, many attack him with jelous remarks, hence you can see the agony there. My uncle once asked him when will I get married. When I said as soon as possible, he chuckled and said, "yeah, that should be done as soon as possible, despite of your young age, because, you know, your Dad might not be around that much longer." Yes, he said it in front of my Dad.
At one point, realistically, you can't control people. I suggest you to train yourself to not give too much f about it. Once you let it go, you can focus on positive things. Bad people are always around. But the genuine ones are always there.
At one point, realistically, you can't control people. I suggest you to train yourself to not give too much f about it. Once you let it go, you can focus on positive things. Bad people are always around. But the genuine ones are always there.
Re: Dealing with Negative People
I have a friend and when I told her I have cancer, she proceeded to tell me about everyone she knew that had died recently of cancer. I had friends that came up with all sorts of cancer killing foods and drugs etc where if I just do this or stop that then I will be cured. I have a standard response.... I have to be able to make my own choices and be comfortable in those choices, so if you can't be supportive, then you can't be around me. I don't want to hear about a flower that grows in outter space and kills cancer until you get a medical degree. I don't want to hear about the misfortune of others. I don't want to hear about how many people this has killed. I feel bad for them and I'm sorry for your loss because I care about you. So please care enough about me to help me keep a positive outlook on MY disease. If they can't do that, then they can't come around me. I can't afford negativity.
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Obayan
19 posts
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