There is no denying that each of us with mul­ti­ple myeloma has an idea about sur­vival and what it means. According to the online dic­tio­nary that I use, sur­vival is “the state of continuing to live or exist in spite of a dif­fi­cult cir­cum­stance.”

So in our case, the dif­fi­cult cir­cum­stance is can­cer; if we see another sun­rise, we are sur­viving.

I like sur­vival. Survival is good. It is some­thing that I really, really desire. Without being political, I unabashedly vote for sur­vival!

However, just using or ac­cepting that definition of sur­vival, in the base manner of 'existing under dif­fi­cult cir­cum­stances' as the bonafide best definition, really short­changes what sur­vival is all about. Survival means more than just moving for­ward under dif­fi­cult cir­cum­stances.

Each and every one of us with mul­ti­ple myeloma “survives” in our own way for as long as pos­si­ble, be that one day, one month, one year, or 10, 12, or 20 years. The issue for me as I sur­vive is not about the moving for­ward as much as it is about the “how” I move for­ward. And how I move for­ward is tied directly to who I am.

Knowing who I am helps re­duce some of the angst, un­cer­tainty, and disappointment that comes with hav­ing and sur­viving can­cer. It helps stabilize my thoughts and actions. It pro­vides me with an oppor­tu­ni­ty to look at a situation that generally is not desired and full of worry and man­age it in a manner that makes moving for­ward, makes sur­viving, a bit more doable.

I have a tendency to worry. I realize that worrying is non-productive and costly, yet I still worry. The “worry gene” is in my DNA. When my myeloma num­bers come back and there is a slight move­ment up (which is not the desired out­come), I get worried. My mind has me racing to a finish line that has as its reward my non-survival. Great! Surviving such a predicament without going too crazy re­quires me to look at myself and identify my strengths and the tools I possess to handle sur­vival. Then, using said strengths and tools to the extent that I am ca­pa­ble, the “moving for­ward” part is con­siderably less stressful.

Who I am de­ter­mines what I will do and as an extension how it will be done. Thus, who I am will define my sur­vival.

Each of us has our own way of figuring out who we are. I know I have gained some insights and wisdom about myself through the ex­peri­ences I have had. Having can­cer brought out portions of myself that I may not have realized were present prior to my diag­nosis and sub­se­quent treat­ments. Going through a stem cell trans­plant, sitting in a hos­pi­tal room waiting for the white blood cell count to in­crease to the point where I could leave the hos­pi­tal, pro­vided me ample time to eval­u­ate what sur­vival would look like.

I have had to ask myself ques­tions about what I ex­pect out of this ex­peri­ence we call life. My likes, my dislikes, my con­cerns, and my joys. I have had to be honest about the appraisal I give to what I see / saw around me and what, if any, re­sponse I would have to what was going on. I had to make sure that (here’s a Pink Floyd "Brain Damage" reference) there was not “someone in my head but it’s not me.”

There's a biblical verse that asks, “For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul?”  Well, for me, I had to address that ques­tion as it applies to sur­viving can­cer. I sure as heck did not want to “lose my soul.” For me, sur­vival is all about asking that ques­tion and then being able to identify what it means to me to gain the whole world, to gain another day, or week, or month, or year, without losing my soul. Some­times, addressing that is tough stuff, especially when there is no cer­tainty and little con­trol as to what we will encounter as we move for­ward.

One of Henry David Thoreau’s most famous quotes mentions “the mass of men lead­ing quiet lives of desperation.” Well, I like fun, and a 'quiet life of desperation' does not sound like fun. Is living such a life really sur­viving?

Survive and move for­ward. It sounds so easy and innocent. Yet, I have learned that there is not too much that is easy about hav­ing can­cer.

Getting to know myself, taking some time to be honest with myself about who I am, had to be done. It still is being done. It really does not mat­ter if it’s easy or not. It’s about sur­vival.