Northern Lights: Trying Not To Be A Perfectionist
The dictionary defines ‘perfectionism’ as the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.
So what would the meaning of perfectionism be in the case of someone with multiple myeloma?
I think that one aspect of perfectionism in multiple myeloma could be a desire to be in a stringent complete response – that is, not having any blood test or bone marrow biopsy results that would indicate the presence of multiple myeloma.
This is an admirable goal, but is it achievable for everyone?
I think not. There is a range of results that is acceptable before a patient is considered to have relapsed or, in the case of smoldering multiple myeloma, to require active treatment.
I have had blood results where everything was normal when I was undergoing maintenance therapy about six years ago, and then again in the past year, just before going off treatment for my myeloma. However, the results did not hold indefinitely. I would rather have a low level of monoclonal protein than take strong treatments that have unpredictable side effects.
Another example of perfectionism in the myeloma world would be an inability to accept that one has changed over the years, and may have less energy than before. It can be tiring to go through the injuries, treatments, and psychological stress associated with multiple myeloma.
It is good to have a positive attitude, and without it life could be depressing. At the same time, I realize that no one can always feel up or highly energized. So it’s good not to be a perfectionist about that either. It's fine to let oneself have a ‘down’ day sometimes. One needs just to learn what the triggers are for ‘down’ days, and what helps to compensate. It might be playing with one’s grandchildren, working on a crafts project, getting out and exercising, or any other activity to get one’s mind off of depressing topics.
I try to put away negative thoughts and spend time every day exercising and doing other activities besides worrying about the future.
Would always trying to keep up with others who may not have the same problems as you also be ‘perfectionism’ of a sort?
I know now that I have to pace myself, and sometimes my pace is pretty slow. So I try to allow more time than I think I need to get things done, and not to be too hard on myself either if I can’t get everything done on my to-do list.
I also have realized over time that what is important to me now may have changed a bit. I am still quite determined to get critical work done, exercise every day, eat well, get enough rest, and spend quality time with my family and friends. Yet I am not as perfectionist about these things as I may have been before my myeloma diagnosis.
When I think of my music and my stitching hobbies, for example, it seems I don’t spend as much time obsessing over perfectionism. Recently I put a line of knitting into a shawl, where it should have been a line of purl. I just left it there. I didn't care to pull out many lines of knitting to fix it. And with my music, I have studied piano and voice, but have less time to practice now, and I’m okay with that.
I find time to exercise most days, in part because recent research suggests that exercise may be very important in helping breast cancer patients attain long-term remission. (I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, seven years after my myeloma diagnosis.) However, if I miss a day of exercise, I won’t worry about it too much. My fitness tracker keeps me on track on a weekly basis. It is surprising sometimes to find how much or little exercise I do in a week, but I tell myself that the overall trend is what counts, not doing exactly the same every day.
Volunteer work has been a silver lining for me in this journey, but I have to realize that I cannot take on too much and still have time to enjoy my interests and my family life.
When I get tired or worried, I try to remind myself that I am doing well according to my new criteria, which are different from those I had a few years ago. I am still healthy and able to live quite a normal life, which may not seem like much to most people, but it is to me.
During my multiple myeloma journey, I have met many nice fellow patients, both in person and online. Unfortunately, some were not as lucky as I have been, so I must count my blessings and be grateful for all of the medical care and caregiving I have received. Every day is a Thanksgiving day to me right now!
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The quotation for this month is from W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), a British novelist, playwright, and short story writer, who said: "Perfection is a trifle dull. It is not the least of life's ironies that this, which we all aim at, is better not quite achieved."
Nancy Shamanna is a multiple myeloma patient and a columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column to be published by The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Nancy,
As one who is only two months down the MM trail, I really appreciate your insights from "around the bend" (I did not use the expression "over the hill," you will note).
I probably should be a little more of a perfectionist, but I can apply your points to my experience.
I look forward to your next column!
– Pepperink, Santa Maria, California
Hi Pepperink, thanks for your kind comment. Maybe a term I could use would be 'long and winding road' as it applies to the last 8 years! Best of luck with your treatments and journey also.
I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma 5 years ago. Have had treatment forever it seems. I care for a stroke victim 24/7; am 79. I pace myself and prepare everything. Tire easily, but get the job done. So far so good.
Nancy,
Very good column. Multiple Myeloma is a journey. Or as others have said a marathon. We have to stay flexible and change with our condition. I am a big believer in goal setting. Taking a hobby or interest and then setting some reasonable goal to achieve. That activity takes our mind off of multiple myeloma and puts the focus on something other than our medical plight. However, we must be realistic and flexible in our goal setting. Being a perfectionist is not being reasonable or flexible. If you set the bar too high, then you will likely fall short of meeting your goals and that can lead to depression.
Good points made here. I do follow closely the CBC, CMP, and FISH test results, I have to admit. And yes, I get a bit antsy when I see numbers I don't like. On the other hand, I stay so busy that I really don't have time to obsess over them either. I know I have limited time, and a lot of stuff to get done before that time comes (more than I will get done...). That keeps me going.
I get tired a lot more easily than I used to. It is frustrating. I am crippled by a collapsed spine and sternum from the damage done early on by the myeloma. When I get frustrated, I have to just 'take 10' and go mellow out. It has taken me a long time to learn to do that, but it makes a difference. As a very healthy and strong individual most of my life, I was used to being able to work long hours, then work some more, then..., well you get the idea. No more. I am lucky to walk a quarter of a mile without having to rest for an hour after. But that is ok. I have found different ways of getting things done: And that includes asking for help now and again when I really need to. Learning to do that was a real trick! Had to swallow a lot of pride. But what I found was that folks want to help. They don't know what else to do and they find themselves feeling helpless because of that. Asking for help now and again is actually giving them a gift! They feel enabled.
The other thing that helps me from getting 'too down' is that I have it a lot better than some others that I have met. And those folks didn't complain much, they just kept on trucking. If they can, then I can.
Thanks for the thoughtful comments!
Leo, that is a lot of work to be a caregiver for a stroke patient 24/7! I know a bit about stroke since my husband works in a stroke unit at a local hospital. Also my dear stepmother had two strokes in the last year and passed away in March, at the age of 85. There is such a wide variety of severity in strokes though, and I hope that your person had not such a severe stroke. Maybe you can get spelled off from time to time too?
Ron, thanks for your comments. You are perceptive, and as you say, multiple myeloma can be a marathon! I remember that being said when I started out on this journey. Setting reasonable goals is a good exercise in common sense! Yesterday, I was out walking with our 'grand puppy' and I was chatting with a runner about the Stampede Marathon. I did a lot of 10 km road races and even two half marathons before my injuries but was never strong enough to do a marathon. But those experiences are good to look back on and sometimes can give some inner strength! (I can walk 10 km again though).
Wes, it is good that you have learned to ask for help with difficult projects. I am not supposed to lift much either and now have a garden trolley, a 'weeding' bench to sit down on if I need it, and have learned to make two trips instead of one if carrying bags of groceries, etc.! I am sure that the folks around you do not mind helping, and if you think of human history, the invention of the wheel, levers, gears etc. are all 'mechanical advantages'. So we just need to put on our thinking cap and see what works best. I also feel fortunate that in relative terms, I am doing well. Hope you can get lots of rest and thus feel more energized also, and not over-do it!
Thank you very much Nancy for your column. I couldn't agree more, even though I know, I am too often guilty of striving for perfection and feeling let down. I will try and return to these insightful words every so often and reset my outlook on life. I am a big believer in daily exercise and a positive attitude and I am certain that my fight with multiple myeloma so far has been greatly helped by this approach. I know I have a ways to go with this but I intend to go on living and enjoy the journey. Thanks Nancy and I hope you continue to go on just below the perfectionist bar setting an example to us all.
Thanks, Colin, for being a loyal reader! My column was just to point out the disconnect sometimes between what we would ideally like in our health and what is the reality. My reality is going well right now, thankfully. I think that your positive attitude and commitment to athletics will serve you well for your health! Best wishes!
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