Letters From Cancerland: Write Your Own Obituary
One of my many niche skills is that I know how to design, plan, and draft the legal foundation – motions, rules, procedures, and manuals – of what we in Ohio call "specialized dockets."
A specialized docket is also called a treatment court. There are different kinds of specialized dockets, each of which focuses on one class of offenders who all share a non-criminal trait that causes them to break the law.
Overall, these special courts are intended to offer "a therapeutically oriented judicial approach to providing court supervision and appropriate treatment to individuals."
Typical specialized dockets are mental health dockets (for offenders whose mental illness causes the criminal behavior), veterans dockets (for veterans whose criminal behavior is tied back to their service, often due to PTSD), and drug dockets (for offenders with substance addictions).
Several years ago, I created our municipal court’s mental health docket, and I am presently working on creating an OVI (operating a vehicle under the influence) docket for the same court.
Participants progress through specialized dockets in phases, with fewer restrictions and more responsibility as they move forward. One of the ongoing discussions the judge, court staff, and I have been having is what milestones a participant in the OVI docket has to achieve to move to another phase or graduate.
As an example of what more responsibility could entail, Doug, who will be the court coordinator, mentioned that another Ohio OVI court makes its participants write their own obituary.
We discussed that possibility and ended up shelving it for the time being. I nevertheless think it’s an intriguing concept. Presumably, the participant making good progress would write a more affirmative, positive obituary than someone just starting out in the court with a string of OVI offenses and mandatory treatment.
Write your own obituary.
Last month when I wrote about estate planning, one reader commented that she had already done her estate planning and also had written her own obituary. Good thinking. Something else I need to put on my more pressing to-do list.
By writing your own obituary, you (a) spare your family and friends that task at a time when they may not be at their best and (b) you have a better shot at controlling the content of the obituary provided no one messes with it after you die and before the obituary goes public.
I grew up reading obituaries in our local small-town paper (I was a weird kid, okay?). A half century ago, obituaries were pretty cut and dried. There was a recitation of death (when, where), of birth (when, where, parents), of certain essential facts (spouse, children, siblings, living or otherwise). Finally, the obituary would close with when and where the calling hours and funeral would be held, and where the burial would be.
Very standard, very formulaic.
I am thrilled that obituaries have changed greatly in recent decades. Oh, they still contain some of that rote recitation, but they now also contain personal reflections about the deceased. “Dad loved a good joke.” “Mom grew the best tomatoes.” “Cheryl could make a bed with perfect hospital corners.”
This personalization is all the more reason for me to stop dawdling and get busy writing.
Yes, my obituary will reflect my date of death. But one phrase I vehemently object to and do not want anywhere near my obituary is that I died “after a brave battle” or “a courageous fight” or any other warrior language related to my cancer. (Please know this is my own viewpoint; I know many others feel differently, and I say that’s fine – use that language in your obituary.) No, I want my obituary to read something like “April grudgingly lived side-by-side with myeloma until the cancer terminated the relationship.”
Okay, so no militaristic overtones in my obituary.
But what do I really want to say?
This is where I go back to the purpose of making participants in a specialized docket write their own obituary. You write your own obituary in order to reflect on what in your life was most important.
My husband, my children, my grandchild, my stepchildren. My community work. Those are easy. Those get top billing.
I want my obituary to reflect that I have baked hundreds of pies in my life and read hundreds of thousands of books. And written more lines of prose and poetry that never saw the light of day than anyone I ever knew.
I have brothers and other family members, including two elderly parents. I imagine they will be in my obituary. But I cannot imagine an obituary that doesn’t mention my friends Margo or Cindy or Mel or Margaret. Close as I am to my family, I would probably give my friends billing over them.
With each passing day, I become more aware of fleet-footed Time, and realize anew, again, afresh, that time is finite.
Time to write that obituary.
April Nelson is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her previously published columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column for The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
I totally agree with your sentiments about being brave and a courageous fighter. After all, it isn't a choice. It just is. We are not soldiers in a fight. Soldiers are soldiers willingly (in free countries anyway), I do not willingly have mm.
"Grudgingly." Spot on. Cancer choosing the termination date. Funny.
If you spend time thinking dying and writing an obituary, you will be losing out on living! Your friends and family will remember you without written words. I don't focus on the myeloma (diagnosed in 2012, am in stringent remission since 2012). I take my Revlimid, try to ignore bone pain, and stretch and strengthen my core. I have also had 4 major surgeries in 12 months due to bone degeneration from the MM -- 2 hip and 2 reverse shoulder implants. I just get up and keep going. A blessing to be able to do that. Anyway, those are my thoughts and practices.
Thanks April for an interesting column. I sure hope you don't need an obituary anytime soon, but I suppose that, like a will, it could be updated from time to time! I always think that the pictures shown from CD's are nice at a memorial service, and it would be nice to have music of one's own choosing too! Unfortunately, I have been to too many services in the last few years (even one is too many, IMO), and realize that it would be a lot of work for someone to prepare pictures and music, let alone an obituary and talks. So I guess it would be a thoughtful idea to do that, although it's not high on my 'to do' list right now.
April
I agree with your viewpoint about the metaphors surrounding "battling, fighting" bravely against cancer. These expressions always bothered me, because it's as if somehow the warrior was not up to the battle, or that he could not battle hard enough. He did his best but lost. It is not that way at all.
Thanks for opening this line of dialog and perhaps we will finally drop the old warrior metaphors for someone who eventually succumbs to cancer.
April,
I so agree with you on hating all the "battling" terminology around living with cancer. I've told my family that if they put that stuff in my obituary, I'm going to come back and haunt them until the end of time.
The best piece I've read objecting to that terminology is here, "Having cancer is not a fight or a battle" (The Guardian, Apr 25, 2014).
I love your part about cancer terminating the relationship.
Having multiple myeloma is not funny, but you do have to laugh about this stuff sometimes. It beats crying.
Mike
I've told my family I don't want a funeral. If someone wants to say nice things about how they are going to miss me, do it while I'm still alive.
Hi April, This was a good piece and a nice reminder. Writing my own obituary has been on my to-do list for quite some time (I think I made reference to that a few times in my columns). I kind of started it once. One sentence so far. But, I will do it. Perhaps not right now. So much life to get in out on that creaky limb (as you put it) we're on.
Here's an obit written by someone I went to high school with. I thought it reflected who she was so very well and made me think that I too would like to write something like it for myself.
"I would like to be remembered for my stunning beauty, astute intellect, Olympic caliber swimming and great contributions to mankind. However, I will settle for being remembered as a person having had a great sense of humor, a positive attitude and good manners. I had a wonderful childhood and a fantastic life, filled with exotic travel, several creative careers and happy memories created with a loving husband, parents, sisters, extended family and friends. I've had it all and have had the joy of sharing it with people who truly loved me. What more is there? Thank you!
"Melissa, Born December 7, 1954, died March 28, 2013. She is survived by her husband Robert of Aptos, California, to whom she was married for 28 years. She is also survived by her parents, Robert and Jane Cantoni of Lebanon, her sisters Jennifer Arnzen (Gary) and Cyndy Braun (Greg) and nephew Charlie Braun, all of Cincinnati. Melissa was a graduate of Lebanon High School and The Ohio State University. At Melissa's request, the family will remember her privately. In lieu of flowers, food, etc., please make monetary donations to ..."
I did mine 2 years ago.....and mine reflects that: "despite being a good to excellent cook, an enthusiastic Launderer and bed-maker, a Carpenter, an accomplished professional, a recognized athlete, a coach, a great listener, a nurse to his daughter, a Mentor, and a Single parent to three very successful and high achieving young adults, etc,(me--the decedent) ....still couldn't make gravy to save his *ss.... proving that life is tough and sometimes we all have our limits, even in little things."
All true... I either burn it or "Lump-it". (Canned gravy forever !)
Must be a Freudian issue (My gravy).
Nice column, April.
PS--I don't want Eaeesy Gravy recipes or tips..Thanks.
You can't rule after dying. The funeral is only partly for you, as is an obituary. At least that is my down-to-earth feeling in this matter
In my family, we write small booklets in the 5 days after a loved one dies. All close family members and friends can participate in it with a drawing, story, poem, or whatever. At the funeral, we present this to all the attendees. We think it is healing, the making of such an in memoriam. Being together in your grief for days in your combined effort of having this treasure ready in time is a wonderful healing process in itself.
As far as I am concerned, my loved ones can do whatever they want with my body and with the obituary. The process is to help them to move forward without me, and whatever helps them is good for me.
April, I think it's all in the eye of the beholder and defined by family and cultural rituals. Good luck with writing your obituary, or maybe even memoirs.
March is its own madness in my life due to the nature of my work and not because of basketball, but I have to say the comment from R about gravy takes the cake for the best obituary line I have ever seen, No gravy hints!
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