Letters From Cancerland: Aging
My niece Lizzie is finishing her sophomore year in college. A psychology major, she recently asked me to complete an Adult Development survey for one of her classes. In asking me to take it, she warned, “it has some pretty personal questions (about divorce, diseases, and your opinion on life changes as you age), so I can understand if you do not want to participate in the interview.”
Of course I said I would take it. With a warning like that, how could I resist?
It was an interesting exercise, to say the least.
The first questions were about physical changes due to aging. As I worked through them, I would add a comment as to whether I felt myeloma had impacted or accelerated the change and, if so, how. It was only after I had answered a series of these questions that I ran across the author’s note to feel free to comment where I thought cancer had caused physical changes.
As I continued to answer the questions, I found myself wondering whether I was fooling myself about the impact of myeloma on my body. After all, I am 58 now. Some of the changes would have happened no matter what. My hearing is worse due to aging, not to myeloma. I know that myeloma has greatly diminished my muscle strength and energy levels, but what I don’t know is to what extent my age would have done the same. I like to think that age would have been far kinder at this point.
The most insightful question on the survey was about my perceptions of old age. The survey asked: How do you view old age? Has this changed since you were diagnosed with cancer? If so, how?
My answer surprised me a bit, perhaps because I didn’t realize how I felt until I began writing it out:
I don’t think I thought about old age before the diagnosis. I was in my 40s and had thought of old age as something I would deal with later. At the time of diagnosis, the statistical life expectancy was five years. Suddenly old age was out of reach.
I am also not sure (still) what I consider old age. My view has changed since before the diagnosis and has also changed as I get older. I used to think of old age as something that started in the 70s. Now I see old age as starting in the 60s – “young” old age, with “middle” old age being the 70s, and “old” old age being the 80s and beyond. That surprises me: I would have thought I moved “old age” farther out as I grew older.
I know I would have given a different answer if I had taken this survey pre-myeloma, when I was in my 40s. I have a number of friends, both older and younger, who keep kicking “old age” out ahead of them. And here I am embracing it.
My response, undeniably, is a result of the myeloma.
[Note to reader: By “old age,” I am referring only to the physical state of being old, not the attitude of the individual. Let’s face it: We all know younger people who seem “older” than ourselves because of their mindsets and attitudes; we also all know quite elderly people who have a youthful spirit and attitude even in their 80s and 90s.]
As I mentioned in my survey answer, the statistical life expectancy for multiple myeloma was five years when I was diagnosed in late 2004. Five years! That would just get my youngest son a year past high school. Suddenly, making it to 54 (just past five years), let alone “old age,” was up in the air. And while my oncologist immediately told me to not focus on the statistics but on myself, that five-year mark lingered on the margin of my mind for some time.
Here I am now, 58 years old, about six months from the tenth anniversary of my diagnosis. How can I ever begrudge old age?
I admit it. The thought of “old age” is rather appealing to me. Every birthday I have passed since 2004 is an affirmation of “I’m still here.”
I am looking forward to the next time I see my niece. I want to discuss the survey with her: its purpose, how it would be used, what questions I feel (from my vantage point of 58 years versus her 20) were missing.
I hope I remember to thank her, too. “How do you view old age,” Lizzie asked, cleanly and simply.
How do I view old age? By valuing my aging self.
April Nelson is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her previously published columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column for The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
A very good article, April. I have pondered these same thoughts. My wife and I have a child in kindergarten and another in 3rd grade. I was dx. in 2011 in my forties. My goal is to see my boys make it to high school and beyond. I also admit to a bit of envy now when I see senior citizens playing with their grand kids and enjoying their golden years. I thought that future was a sure thing for me. I do appreciate the time I have much more since diagnosis and hope to craft many memories of myself for my kids. All the best. Terry L.
Thanks for the thoughtful column, April. I think you expressed what most of us wonder about also! I try to project ahead, but just in my plans over a few months, or a year. Congrats on getting closer to a 10 year survival ... you must be taking good care of yourself, and be in good hands medically too. There were not such good treatments available ten years ago as there are now. Hopefully by another ten years treatments will have improved a lot again also!
As usual, Well written, April.
I'm not sure I've ever asked myself that question; Before MM I used to look at 80 as "Old". I had planned to slow down at 70 and retire at 75 or so...then the MM showed up.
As they say,..."then all Hell broke loose".
However, as a positive (?), I find I do not berate myself nearly as badly, for "not saving more for retirement." Ha!
Kind of like bragging that you are bumped up to a Promenade deck double cabin, .....on the 2nd nite of the Titanic's maiden voyage ! Enjoy it whilst you canneth !
At 56, Full Soc-Sec retirement (66y/6 mo for me) is the Mt Everest to scale....will I even make it ? For how long / will I even cash their/ my checks ?
...and I have paid a ton into Soc-Sec over the years.(good old Self-employment Tax,etc )
Ye Gods...even 62 now looks to be a Bridge too Far away, most days.
Too damn young to collect Soc-Sec and too old (physically diminished from MM) to enjoy myself/ the kids as they go on to college / Prof schools.
I'm afraid my watched numbers have switched from annular Birth dates, to M Spike Quantization !! Sheesh!
Congrats on achieving the 10th Anniversary, April.
Going for another 10 ??
Very well written column, and one we can all relate to. Old age is something to aspire to for most of us, not something to regard with apprehension. If we make it to that promised land, I'm sure we will all be too happy to put up with whatever lifestyle changes are required!
Before MM, (I was just diagnosed in April), I thought I would work until 70, at least part time, and save collecting my Social Security until I absolutely had to. I am 59. I am entertaining the idea of retiring at 60, although I haven't made any decision formally. But everything that I thought I would do with my "golden years," is now definitely called into question, and I have to look at things through the "MM lens," as we all do.
Thank you for putting into such honest words something we have, I am sure, all pondered. Congratulation on reaching your 10 years. I was diagnosed in 1996 and, like you, was told "five years". I knew, with absolute certainty that the moment that clock ticked over the five year mark I would drop down dead. Yet here I am at 18 years and fighting my fourth relapse (I initially got 8 years remission, not so lucky these days). Old age is something I really did not think of aside from trying to provide financially for that time. After diagnosis we decided to enjoy it while we had it - and here we are both retired with only government pensions to provide for us.
I am not complaining. Like another contributor here I put more importance in blood results than birthdays! I am now 65 and if someone had told me 10 years ago I would reach this milestone I would have been extremely doubtful. Notice I didn't say I would not believe them. That is because once I passed that 5 year mark there was no stopping me -- I think positively, follow my doctor's advice religiously and have decreed that I will get run over by a bus before I let this terrible disease get me. I now take great pride in telling new patients of my longevity with this disease. It gives them hope. Keep up the good work.
Reading of people who have had myeloma for 10, 18 years does give hope. Our daughter was diagnosed at the age of 32 about 2 years ago. On that awful day I never thought she would be doing as well as she is now. I just hope it can last. It's hard to think of the future. When she hears people giving advice of making sure you contribute to your 401K I know she wonders why, but you never know. Hopefully that cure will come along that they are working so hard for.
Hi Susan, your story does provide hope. Thanks for sharing! Best. Terry L.
Hi April,
I loved celebrating birthdays when I was a child - birthday parties, cakes, friends. Now that I have myeloma I celebrate my birthdays - parties, cakes, friends - I am so glad I am still here to celebrate. Some people complain that they are getting old when they turn 50 - next year I will be turning 50, how fantastic is that (given the original prognosis).
Be well,
Libby
Thanks for the inspirational article. Recently diagnosed and now in preparation for stem cell transplant, I am so inspired by the years of remission and advances in treatment over the last years. Staying positive and setting reasonable goals is so very important. I am surrounded by a very supportive family and friends network and I do not want to let them down..
Great topic April, When I was diagnosed at age 57 the saddest part for me was the idea that I would not get to experience "old age". Retirement was something I had given no thought to, but I sort of assumed I would have a good one. I am somewhat overjoyed that I have made it to 65 and in "forced retirement" for 4 years. I doubt I could have ever negotiated the transition without the help of MM. Joe
April you continue to inspire and create new perspectives for all living with the worries and challenging realities of MM! I think we are all members of the Class of 2014 (Oh to be 18 again!) We certainly are at a crossroads in life and yet we are here and accounted for! Happy "Anniversary" and Congratulations!
Great column April! I have to admit, it hits a bit close to home.
My husband was diagnosed with SMM before he even turned 40. When he talks about things like emerging myeloma treatments and life expectancy, he almost always brings up how people are living as long as 10+ years post treatment. Even though he means it as an encouraging comment, I find it really hard to hear. A life expectancy of 50 years is just not enough time on earth-- not nearly enough time with him. I too have changed my views on what old is, and I hope with every fiber of my being that we will grow old together one day.
Keep strong April! You're an inspiration to us all!
Tabitha
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