Letters From Cancerland: Muddling Through
I had to do a lot of driving earlier this month. I had four days of mediation training packaged in two-day blocks with a weekend in between. That took me up to northwest Ohio and back twice in a short period of time. To keep myself company, I turned on the car radio and let it serenade me down the road.
It’s the holiday season and the airwaves are saturated with Christmas music. The sacred songs, the secular songs, and the gimmicky songs play in an ever flowing, unstoppable stream.
One often played holiday song is rarely played in its original form. That’s too bad, because the original version is my Myeloma Holiday Song 2013.
In 1944, Judy Garland sang “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” to a distraught Margaret O’Brien in the movie “Meet Me in St. Louis.” One particularly poignant verse goes like this:
Someday soon we all will be together,
If the Fates allow;
Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
If you haven’t seen the movie and don’t recognize those lyrics, there’s a reason for that. In 1957, Frank Sinatra asked lyricist Hugh Martin to “jolly up” the line about muddling through. Martin obliged and substituted “hang a shining star upon the highest bough.” Never mind that the line is a non sequitur to the preceding line. It stuck.
Almost every artist recording “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” since Sinatra sings the revised lyrics. A welcome exception is James Taylor, who resurrected the original lyrics in his version.
I’m glad James Taylor bucked the trend. When he came on the car radio, I turned it up extra loud. James recognizes that sometimes we get to this time of year and the best we can do is muddle through somehow.
I’m muddling through right now, with some extra help from my myeloma.
I saw my oncologist just before Thanksgiving. My lab numbers continue their slow, steady drift in the wrong directions. I’m tired all the time, way beyond “57+ years old tired” or “busy day tired.” And my wedding ring is now several sizes too big, causing my oncologist to speculate there is catabolic muscle loss going on.
What a muddle.
I have a lot of labs scheduled for late December, along with a skeletal survey. I meet my oncologist in mid-January, and we will map out where I go from here. According to my doctor, it is highly likely I will go back into treatment.
I’m definitely muddling right now. Even before my oncologist put his stamp on the situation, I knew my energy levels did not begin to meet my holiday plans. And as we draw deeper into December and I assess the upcoming holidays, I am acutely aware that my energy levels continue to drop like our current temperatures.
That’s a whole other muddle to deal with this month.
So back to my song. I love the original lyrics. I don’t find them bleak. They actually buoy me with the message that I can and will muddle through somehow. Despite the uncertainty of this disease, despite my children and grandchild being impossibly far away, despite my husband’s hectic December performance schedule, despite my huddling on the sofa every night reading because I have no energy to do anything else, I am muddling through.
I plan on having a merry little Christmas, myeloma and all.
April Nelson is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her previously published columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column for The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
hI April, thanks for the lovely column. I hope that you do get some well deserved rest and have a nice holiday season with your family too. I know what you mean about the busy performance schedule of musicians at this time of year. I think that the festive season must be the busiest time, and it doesn't really stop until January. Symphony musicians have my admiration for keeping up with all of the performances, the changing repertoire and late nights involved. Ditto for choir leaders at this time of year…even as just a choir member, one has to pace oneself. We just have one more performance left out of about ten, and had a huge concert last weekend…lots of rehearsing too. I couldn't do all of the performances, my energy levels just won't allow it and it's difficult standing for long periods of time in a choir also.
My husband and I were fortunate to hear James Taylor perform live at a summer festival in Tanglewood (forget which state that is in) in the 1990's. We were included in a picnic with my in-laws and their friends…wonderful! He has such a melodic voice and of course wrote and sang a lot of great songs too!
It's tough to think of having to go back on medication but maybe it would help you to feel better again. Best wishes to you!
I think that the music and the lights of this time of year help to float us through the solstice and into longer days soon.
Hi April, thank you for this beautiful column and I wish you all the best dealing with the ups and downs of myeloma. Good luck with everything.
Nancy, Tanglewood is in Stockbridge, Massachusetts in the Berkshires. I have been there a bunch of times. It is a beautiful area and James Taylor's place of residence. He pretty much grew up there. I am a big fan of his and love his song "Sweet Baby James" which transpires in Massachusetts.
Lovely musings, as always, April. I have always loved that song.
Take care of yourself, honey.
Sorry to hear about your numbers April. Thank you for writing your articles. I live in rural Ohio and it does me good to hear from a fellow Buckeye!
I use to sing that song myself. One of my favorite Christmas songs. Stay tough and keep on muddling. We're right behind ya!
Thanks for a great column. As a footnote, both Linda Ronstadt and Bob Dylan found a creative solution to the problem of the changed lyrics. They sang one chorus with the original lyrics and one with the modified version.
I hope you muddle your way through to a great Christmas.
On another point April, thank you for raising the issue of catabolic wasting. With the cultural emphasis on losing weight it's hard to get people to pay attention to us when we need to gain weight. I found an interesting and useful article on catabolic wasting and hope the Beacon will allow the link here:
http://www.lef.org/protocols/health_concerns/catabolic_wasting_01.htm
What I like about the article is that it provides useful suggestions for helpful supplements. Of course we all know that any supplements should be discussed with our doctors before we start taking them.
The comments above are one of the top reasons I love the Beacon community. The support and encouragement are incredible. Holt, thank you for the observation and link about catabolic wasting.