Pat’s Cracked Cup: The Perils And Humor Of Dating While Living With Multiple Myeloma
I imagine people with spouses and significant others have someone who helps them remember. It would be hard to erase the marks of disease from life. For those of us who are unpartnered, it’s easier to pretend – to revise the myeloma story as needed.
Forging new relationships may be perilous. Dating involves telling tales and revealing secrets.
Living far beyond the initial trauma of receiving a multiple myeloma diagnosis is a blessing. In my case, I regard my journey into that territory as an unfortunate detour of some kind. I escaped the worse-case scenario, and I live to tell about it. Humor allows me to move forward, survive, and even date.
Making future plans and living with purpose are essential for reclaiming my perfectly good life. I forget that myeloma is not just part of my personal memoir – it tags along like a puppy demanding attention.
I recall first attempts at dating just a year after my transplant. My hair had grown in like doll’s hair – short and curly. I had gained back just enough weight. Although I was not yet in remission, I felt quite good – the new normal.
After a few dates with one individual, I decided to mention my ordeal of the previous year. I was feeling proud of my recovery and revealing the story was important, until I saw his eyebrows raise and a look of horror sweep over his face.
Way beyond that fragile state, I now reside in the land where I know disease may be lurking about, but I am “officially” well. Since I am fine, bringing up any notion of uncertainty is simply a mood-killer that is best left alone.
I think of Billy Crystal and his “You look marvelous!” routines. Looking good is often synonymous with health and wellbeing. I had trouble getting diagnosed in the first place because I did not appear unwell. My transplant doctor referred to me as his most-well sick person.
Just a few months ago, my hematologist commented, “Maybe in your case, the myeloma will never return.” He said it with a certain authority that made me sit up straighter. These words were a gift that I’ve claimed as my own personal “get out of jail free” card.
I’ve been getting to know a man recently. When he noticed my painting titled “Myeloma Mutiny” in my art show last summer, I told him about my miraculous recovery. I thought that was enough information to leave it as an event of the past.
Last week, he told me that a local artist had died of cancer. “She passed on after a long illness.” This news was clearly disturbing, as the woman was fairly young and the wife of his good friend. I recall that she looked perfectly fine when I attended her art show last year.
Without skipping a beat, my friend asked, “So what about your situation?” The timing was abrupt.
“You mean, speaking of women dying of cancer, am I dying too?” We laughed.
I was diagnosed nine years ago and have maintained remission for the past seven years. Do I still qualify as having a “long illness?” Is it nine years or two years? All of this speculation sounds a little insane, but my mind does circle around such questions.
It’s a natural concern. I guess I do have a “situation.” Putting across the idea that I am perfectly fine has been important to me. Now someone doubted me. I could almost see the thoughts bubbling out of his head like a cartoon: “What am I getting into here?” “What are the facts?”
I told him about the wonders of transplant science, my doctor’s encouraging statement, and added, “I try to eat well, get plenty of rest, and keep stress at bay. I’ve lived an entire seven-year cycle. I’m virtually an entirely new woman with all new cells. I do not even need medication.”
Relationship and love can only enhance my prognosis, I thought.
Uncertainty and the unknown is everyone’s heartfelt journey. Humor and tragedy come out of the same place. For now, I prefer to stay on the side of humor.
Pat Pendleton is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column to be published on The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Great article! Single or not, we all face the same issues with new people in our lives. How much detail to get into about MM, if any.
It is interesting to read your view of dating with myeloma. I, unfortunately, have not given myself that freedom. I lost my partner about 5 years before I was diagnosed with myeloma from colon cancer. I remember vividly the pain I went through and I don't feel that I want to risk that pain for someone else. I might feel differently if I had been in remission for 7 years (congrats!) but now, only a year out of a stem cell transplant my mind is made up to stay single, which, sadly can be a lonely place at times.
I was so delighted to read your article as I just had a conversation with a friend of mine and how to handle that big purple elephant in the room. Certainly peop[le with heart [problems, diabetes, etc. date and don't wear a big life expectancy tag on their chest! I don't believe in hiding the fact that I have MM, but if I should ever meet someone it would be their decision if they want to stay. I had my stem cell transplant in August and just got great results from the 3 month post transplant bone marrow biopsy, so I will plan and live my life to the fullest and go with the flow with the MM....it will not dictate my life for as long as is possible! Thanks again for the great article!
EJ and I had been dating for five years when he was diagnosed with Myeloma. We got engaged before his transplant, and married a year later. You don't always pick who you love, and I could never have lived with myself if I left him. His M-spike has been holding steady at .1 for 18 months, and our life is pretty normal. I'm worried about the future, but I just try not to project too much. As he and others have pointed out to me, no one knows what the future holds.
Have been following your elegant column and journey since early October
after my husband's mid August diagnosis.
Just want to say thanks for sharing it all. It means so much to all of us who are newly diagnosed or are caregivers / fam. Your voice is so important, meaningful, strong, vital. I am glad for it.
cg
I had never considered the dating angle and keeping "the secret".
I like to stay private about my situation so I am vague if I need to fess up. I go with the blood cancer, sort of like Hodgkins, outcome looks great, permanent remission is common. I never say myeloma because I assume many people would google "myeloma prognosis", and we all know what sort of "knowledge" that brings up.
But dating would be a whole new game.
7 years? I'd play the "it appears to be permanent remission" card.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi Stann,
I agree with you. Although, I do not have the dating scenario, Pat's write up made me think about those circumstances. I have switched from saying I have a blood cancer. For some reasons, folks do not think MM pts "look' like they have cancer, as if, cancer has a 'look'?! So, I now say, I have a blood dyscrasia. And if they ask more I tell them it is myeloma, treatable like diabetes but not curable. Most folks have no clue how to even spell myeloma, but if they were to look it up and find out it was cancer, I doubt they would mention it again, to me...lol lol
I personally think that anyone meeting you Pat, and the others who write for the Beacon, would be 'lucky' indeed to meet such thoughtful, caring people! And given that lots of people have health issues , which they are open about sharing or not, they might just think that having the myeloma in one's health history, past or present, might not be a hindrance to friendship! I find that if I share my myeloma story, then my friends share back with their health problems also...it is definitely a 'two way' street! I like to share my myeloma story because I think it adds to awareness of the blood cancer, and that will lead to more support for research and improvements for patients down the road. It also helps for people to know more about the health world we live in today. So I guess a special person needs to find an equally special person to share with! I am lucky to already have that special person in my life.....Best wishes to you, Pat!
Suzie, that's funny. I always have to re-spell myeloma myself. The location of the "e" gets me every time. But dyscrasia would really send them for a loop.
Pat, thanks for the thoughtful article that will strike a chord with all us “unpartnered” myeloma survivors. The dating world can be awkward and uncharitable, and having the myeloma “puppy” tagging along just makes things more difficult. But whenever I start thinking about the difficulties, I remember that I’m lucky to still be out there no matter how awkward it gets. Best of luck to all of us!
Yes--the keyword is "lucky." Thank you to all who read and comment. Now I will look up the word "dyscrasia."
Thanks, I needed that article. If I smoked, I'd say it was time for a cigarette ...
Hi Pat,
I often hear ads for Christian dating websites, Black Dating.com, Professional dating websites, websites that cater to people having affairs, etc.
These are dating websites that are directed at people who will have more in common right off the bat.
Why not one for "serious illnesses". It sounds crazy, but if you think about it, there are many single people out there who have a much higher chance of remaining single due to their illnesses. As you commented, when you disclose that you have MM, it can easily be the last date.
It would be a real dance to find a good fit, but if you did find the person, you might find a partner that was very understanding. Both of you would have more road bumps than normal, but you could share them with eachother. Help each other with driving to doctor, interpreting doctor advice, picking up meds for each other etc.
It might be even better than dating people who aren't facing something as daunting as myeloma, since you'd have an aspect to your life that was "special".
Need a better idea than seriousillnessdates.com. sickdates.com -- hmmm ... might get wrong crowd. This is an idea in progress.
I use "sick" in quotes because you are on the edge and are most likely not sick.
(This was not to be interpreted as advice for you in particular)
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