ME vs. MM: Dreamweaver
I recently had one of the vivid dreams I've tended to experience ever since being on chemotherapy for multiple myeloma.
I have so many different drugs flowing through me at any given time that I can't be sure which one causes the dreams. Or perhaps they are due to some particular combination. I was also fighting another sinus infection at the time, so the antibiotics, decongestants, and cough suppressants I was taking may also have been a factor.
Whatever the cause, it's not as relevant as the emotions evoked by the dream, and how similar I found them to some of the emotions I go through in dealing with my cancer.
As with most dreams, this one seemed to pick and choose from different parts of my life and mix and match them in a way that had little in common with reality (at least my reality).
In my dream, I was out for a bike ride when I decided I needed to stop at a bike shop (which coincidently just happened to appear on the next corner) to get a flat tire fixed (even though my tire wasn't flat).
Instead of taking the bike into the shop and asking them to fix the perfectly good tire, I decided to go around back and park the bike in a back room, then go hunt for someone to come and service it. When I returned, the bike was gone.
I searched the labyrinth of rooms within the shop, which from the outside hadn't looked to be much bigger than a two-car garage, but on the inside gave the Smithsonian a run for its money. I think this may have been related to the “Doctor Who” series I've been watching, in which the Tardis is much bigger on the inside then its Police Box appearance would suggest.
Regardless, I didn't find my bike, though the employees tried to convince me the oversized tricycle they found was indeed my bike. Between the employees and the spatial anomalies, my dream self was starting to get quite frustrated.
Time sort of fast forwarded in my dream at that point (I guess you can't have a spatial anomaly without a temporal anomaly), and I spent the next several days or weeks (couldn't tell for sure) searching for my bike. I could not find it, so I bought another one (from a different bike shop).
Ultimately, my bike did show up. It turned out it had been taken by my arch rival for an upcoming bike race who didn't want me to be able to train so he could increase his chance of winning. This was a bit of a surprise for me since I had no idea I was entered in a bike rice. Furthermore, in real life this person was a friend of mine that I had coached soccer with for several years, so to find out he would go to such measures to win a competition against me was quite disappointing.
We never had the bike race in my dream, so I don't know who won. However, my arch rival did go to court for stealing my bike, but the judge tossed the case out, citing that it was a harmless prank. At this point, my dream self could take no more, so I gave the judge a piece of my mind, and he gave me three days in jail for contempt of court.
This is when I woke up, but the emotions from the dream were still strong within me. I was outraged with the court system, I tried to figure out what I could have done differently, and I started plotting retribution against my arch rival.
I had to consciously calm myself down and remind myself this was a dream, the situation was not real, and that I should not be wasting time and energy time on it.
Low and behold, this was when I had my epiphany. I realized that this is exactly what I put myself through so often when thinking about my cancer.
It's so easy to get caught up in considering the what-ifs and concocting all types of scenarios that may or may not happen. There are so many times when I let my imagination run wild and start thinking, many times in quite a bit of detail, of what treatments I'll have to go through, what it will be like going through a stem cell transplant, discussions I might have with my doctor regarding treatment, how painful the disease will eventually get, how I will handle some of the more disabling effects of the disease, etc., etc.
As with my dream, my emotions can get pretty worked up when I start thinking this way and a lot of time and energy can be spent, or more accurately wasted, on this type of thinking.
While it's easier said than done, I've realized that I have to consciously force myself to avoid this type of thinking. There are so many other activities that I could spend my time and energy on that would provide so much more benefit.
Peace, and live for a cure.
Kevin Jones is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon.
If you are interested in writing a regular column for The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Interesting thoughts, Kevin. Thank you for sharing them. I, too, often find myself worrying about the future and you are right about that being a waste of time.
Kevin,
I have had a few of those myself. I think that the dex is to blame. Of course I blame all my side effects on dex. Even though I stay active and try not to think about my cancer, it is always in the background just waiting to surface. Sometimes it is in the nature of dreams.
Ron
Kevin --i am keeping a journal of "chemo dreams." they are vivid indeed & reflect the inner turmoil of having an illness. it's another "life" while asleep. as you say & try, best to keep bicycling or swimming or walking or watching foreign films or reading books rather than dwell on the "what-ifs." hard to do, isn't it? Suzanne
I agree we can spend too much energy on the future, it is a balance of preparing yourself with enough knowledge to deal with the journey and living in the moment. MM is teaching me how to do that since it has never been my personality. I knew I would learn new things beside the medical terminology but didn't quite expect the advanced degree in psychology!
Healed, whole and healthy, Cindy
Great piece Kevin,
It is interesting to read this forum and find so many people I have never met who’s experience with multiple myeloma is so similar to mine. I resolved during my initial induction therapy last year that if the treatments was successful and I achieved remission I would not live what good years I had remaining constantly being depressed and worried about the future. Thankfully the treatments were successful and I am nearly back to living life and doing everything I was doing before I was diagnosed and treated for multiple myeloma, cycling, swimming, skiing, and working full time. I do not totally ignore that I have MM, the mild but permanent residual neuropathy I have is a constant reminder that all is not completely back to normal and I keep current on what is going on in the world of multiple myeloma by reading forums like the Myeloma Beacon.
I too was experiencing vivid dreams while on long list of drugs last year. My dreams were more like nightmares. Nearly all involved me being chased and running for my life by a group of pursuers that were shadowy and faceless. I would wake up at the moment they would catch me and I was being killed in the dream. I had never had dreams like this before I am pretty sure they were caused by the Ambien I was prescribed to try to counter the effects of dexamethasone. I stopped taking the Ambien and the dreams decreased significantly to where I they would only happen occasionally and I have not had one at all in the last few months.
Enjoyed the article Kevin. However, I can't say that I've had any dreams related to treatment, I do experience the "What if" syndrome from time to time. It's tough to shake.
I guess it's something we all go through when faced with our own mortality.
Thank you for writing and posting this article Kevin and also a hearty thank you to all of you that commented. Sometimes I just get a sense of comfort simply reading the thoughts of my fellow myeloma patients. It helps me a lot!
Barbsarb, Cindy,
If there's one "plus" I can take away from this disease, it's my new perspective on living in the present. I also find that when I bring this up with others it causes them to stop and consider it too (at least for a little while).
Ron,
Dex is my first choice as too the culprit, though I wonder if some of the other drugs I take may increase the effect.
Suzanne,
I imagine your journal would provide some interesting reading – I know mine would if I were to keep one. I agree too that the best way to avoid the what-ifs is to keep the body and mind occupied with other activities.
Eric,
One of the reasons I decided to write a column was to share experiences that might help others realize they are not alone. I've had many instances throughout my life where I have shared with others, or others have shared with me, only to find we had much in common. I've read many of your posts and think you and I are similar in much of what we've experienced and where we are at now.
Scott,
Glad you enjoyed the article, and you're welcome. As I indicated to Eric, knowing others are going through much the same as we are can truly be a comfort, not to mention the support and advice we can get from each other. By the way, if you aren't having the dreams, you need to ask for the drugs with the "psychedelic" side effects.
Kevin,
I too have VIVID dreams, that seem like reality and this is OFF dex! I have come to the decision that many of the dreams are about unresolved issues. Things I should have addressed and didn't or as is typical, I did respond but not with myCORE beliefs, more of that I 'went along to get along" or worse 'never addressed' what I always wanted to but failed to in the momemt.
These type dreams are so vivid, that I wake up the next day, determined to right that wrong...and I have.
So, my response is that our dreams now make us come to recognizition with things we didn't, have the courage to. And I have acted on them, I have gone back to those folks and shared my misgivings, misjudgements and righted the record.
Perhaps that is their meaning.
Hi Kevin, I get really confused dreams too sometimes, so vivid that when I wake up it takes awhile to realize that I was only dreaming. I recognize that they are a way of my subconscious trying to sort out difficult issues. They were worse when I was on strong pain killers, such as codeine. I got off of the strong pain killers as soon as I possibly could because I didn't like those dreams at all!! jUst a side effect, I guess.
By the way, I am now starting to read the book you recommended 'The Emperor of All Maladies...A bIography of Cancer'. I skipped ahead to the parts on Myeloma, and am now starting from the beginning. It is well written from the point of view of an oncologist.
suzierose, nancy,
It's interesting that most respondents to this column focused on the vivid dreams, when my intent had been to use that as the segue into how we shouldn't get too caught up in speculating what our future will be - never can tell how people will relate.
Hope you find the book interesting Nancy, I'm still working my way through it.
Hi Kevin, It is an interesting book, although I still find cancer to be a difficult topic to read about! I usually work on 2-3 books at a time, so that's why so far I have had it out of the library for about six weeks! I try not to focus too much on the future...usually the present is enough of a challenge, and time does fly by really.
Nancy,
I concur on how it’s difficult to read about cancer. I’ve been working on my first pass through the Emperor of All Maladies for quite a while now – my wife is almost through it for the second time. We also had one of our friends give us a book a few months ago that my wife read in a couple of days, whereas I started it a couple of times and could never get through more than 10-15 pages. I finally returned it without reading it.
Get new Myeloma Beacon articles by email.