Pat’s Cracked Cup: Viewing Multiple Myeloma As Destiny
A well-known psychologist and philosopher, James Hillman, wrote:
“The great task of a life-sustaining culture is to keep the invisibles attached… And then we must look back over our lives at some of the accidents and curiosities and oddities and troubles and sicknesses and begin to see more in those things than we saw before…There is still a thread of individual character that determines how you live through those things. This is destiny. Symptoms are part of our calling — they force us to go deeper.”
The term “invisibles” intrigues me. I painted red words on the side of a small vintage suitcase. My “curious evidence” suitcase is a place for the invisibles.
How we live through all that we encounter each day seems to be the key.
During the past few weeks, I have spent many hours in a large gallery space where I have nearly 90 pieces of art on view. This display reconnects me with the invisibles of my own experience.
One thing I have noticed is that I now differentiate the work made before September 11, 2001, from the work made after that day. A shade was cast on public life and a certain chaos entered my artwork. The marker of 9/11 has also become intertwined with my own before multiple myeloma (BMM) and after (AMM).
My diagnosis was not unlike being struck by an unfriendly force. One painting is titled “Myeloma Mutiny.” It was the only painting I made during the year I was in treatment for myeloma. A couple of people at the opening of my art show asked about the title, as they knew nothing of this chapter of my life.
I titled another one “Daughter Cells.” I came upon this term that is used in the discussion of cell division. I’m not clear how much daughter cells are even connected to what happens to cells after autologous stem cell transplantation, but the idea of this maternal relationship between cells captured my imagination and stirred a vision to which I could relate.
If I am the mother of this physical opera within me, there is a sense of being actively involved as director, rather than a victim of an unknown chaos. The curious evidence taking place within my cells and bones is quite a large invisible process that has become much more tangible to me during the past nine AMM years.
Another significant event during my AMM years has been receiving Social Security Disability benefits. Although I now am almost old enough to collect the regular kind of social security, I view the last few years as an early retirement from a high-stress life that was out of alignment with who I am.
Finances are precarious because of this choice and I have endured many mixed feelings about accepting the “disability” label, but I believe I am well today because of it. I have been able to maintain my health and keep the invisibles attached.
I read somewhere that fate is what happens when you do nothing — things just happen. Destiny is a result of intentional actions. Although I have been an artist for more than thirty years (while also working at various jobs), I had not been very productive in the years leading up to my diagnosis.
Sustaining my own healing in my AMM years has led me to a more prolific time. Living through multiple myeloma has led to a surprising destiny that I could not have imagined in my BMM years.
Pat Pendleton is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column to be published on The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Thanks Pat for the beautifully written article. Your art too is lovely....I am just framing the poster I got thru the link to your work...high quality paper and printing...a few fluffy polar bear cubs that look like our new 'grandpuppy', sort of!
That is an interesting analogy between the tragedy and chaos of 9/11, and having a cancer diagnosis! Both very depressing actually. I also think that as we go on in life our experiences shape our character, and hopefully we can gather up the strength to continue on, older and wiser. I was glad that my children grew up in an era that was more innocent, and also glad that I started in with a choir and a needlework guild early in 2001, as we were becoming then'empty nested' (sort of!). The artistic groups gave me a good outlet for stress and continue to do so, and I met so many other like-minded individuals also. They have been very supportive of me while going thru this illness too.
Pat, your column was just what I needed! I, too, have actually seen the beauty of MM- it has for the most part made me aware of how precious every day is, and how lucky I am to have a beautiful family. You gave me hope when you stated that you are AMM (9 years) and still get aches and pains- no one had ever told me that those could be a "normal" part of my life and that it didn't mean "it" was coming back. I am 8 months out from a successful SCT and thanks to your words of wisdom will now be able to deal with any pain I have in a whole new way! I have seen so many clips on people after MM biking around the world & knew there were days when doing that in a plane would be difficult for me! On those rough days I will curl up with my dog & book and look forward to my tomorrows! Thank you!
Pat,
I, too, find encouragement in your writings. Some months after my stem cell transplant in May 2011, I developed ITP (Idiopathic Thrombocytopenia) which made me feel discouraged. But in recent months my platelet levels are rising which gives me hope for a good recovery. You wrote "Destiny is a result of intentional actions." I have been more or less on hold waiting to see what will happen to me health-wise instead of living my life with intentional actions which will nourish my spirit and quality of life. Instead of thinking, "I can't do that," I will focus on asking, How can I manage to do that?
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Linda
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