Sean’s Burgundy Thread: It’s A Matter Of Time
Happy New Year!
From the cozy warmth and comfort of our family room in the Midwest, my wife, daughters, and I vicariously celebrated the arrival of 2012 with no less than Dick Clark, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and a million or so hale-and-hearty occupiers of New York City’s iconic Times Square.
While the nearly six ton Waterford Crystal Ball majestically dropped 77 feet during the final minute of 2011, the girls and I joined the choir of unison voices for the raucous countdown: 3-2-1! Happy New Year!
Time worked its magic. One second it’s 2011, and then in a blink, we were stepping across the threshold into a brand new year.
As the frenzy in Manhattan was mounting, I couldn’t help but feel a familiar stir of emotion. I’d been part of a Times Square New Year’s Eve crowd a couple of times when I was a much younger man.
I have experienced the excitement and the chaos of being crammed together on the street with friends and strangers impatiently waiting for the ball to drop. I know all-too-well the horrible parking, the sardine-packed subways, the no port-a-potties within eyeshot, and the usually cold, sometimes wet and messy NYC weather of late December and early January.
But you know what? I had a fantastic time anyway! Here I was, a kid from nowhere, in the middle of this massive, world-renowned party, smack dab in the heart of the Big Apple. At precisely midnight, mass revelry erupted, confetti filled the skies, and I had the license, and the sworn duty, to plant a big one on that year’s girl of my dreams - if I didn’t lose her in the teeming crowd!
This New Year’s celebration was no less thrilling for me, but for different reasons. Having lived with multiple myeloma for three years, I pay greater attention to the milestone moments that come my way. I don’t take them for granted anymore.
I don’t need a crystal ball to remind me that the invincibility of my youth has yielded to the sobering truth that time on this earth is not promised to me forever. My faith dictates to me that there is more after we depart these surrounds, but sooner or later, this party on terra firma will come to an end. We all know this intellectually, it’s grasping it emotionally that seems to give us fits. I’m rooting for later, by the way!
My fellow myeloma patients understand the power and the poignancy of just such an epiphany. We are dramatically reminded, through the up-and-down reality of our curious disease, that time is, indeed, one of the most precious gifts we have.
Of course, this truth holds for everyone; time waits for no man, as they say. We myeloma patients are just ultra sensitive to the clock ticking.
Leafing through my 2011 calendar the other day helped me to put into perspective just how I spent my time last year. It allowed me to reflect upon the special dates and events that marked the previous twelve months and to see the timeline of those tough episodes in my myeloma battle. But mostly it helped me to put 2011 to bed. It’s over. It’s done. There’s no going back. It’s time to look forward.
My pristine 2012 calendar is a symbol of a new beginning for me. It’s an opportunity to get a fresh start. I delude myself into thinking that until I start filling in the boxes, my days are proverbially unclaimed; wide open; anything can happen. For a fleeting moment, I can disconnect myself from the overwhelming commitments of life.
And then I begin the exercise of starting to pencil in the kids’ basketball games, ballet recitals, speaking engagements, production deadlines, recording sessions, school concerts, the church services, the countless meetings, and all of the other stuff that will commandeer my time and attention through the coming year.
Then, of course, I have to add the blood tests, the every Wednesday chemotherapy treatments, the trips back to Arkansas for check-ups, and all of the other things I have to do to keep my myeloma in check. That’s when I start to hear my clock ticking like Big Ben!
You all know the drill. Your calendars and appointment books fill up as fast as mine does.
Do I wish that I could have penciled in New Year’s Eve in New York at the end of last year’s calendar? Why not? Not sure that my weakened bones could survive the mad crush, but I’d love to give it a shot. There are lots of places I ‘d like to visit and lots of things I’d still like to do, but any sadness that I feel for not being able to do those things right now, is tempered by one important fact:
Today I am alive. And for this I am profoundly grateful.
As the band broke into Auld Lang Syne this New Year’s Eve, I was reminded that not all of my old myeloma acquaintances were afforded an opportunity to greet 2012. I will carry their memories, their friendships, and their resolve forward with me. And just as they have shown me, I will choose to live boldly, with joy and with laughter in the time that remains for me.
I am grateful for the Herculean efforts of the legions of people around the world who have dedicated their talents, their resources, and, yes, their time, to the fight the good fight against multiple myeloma.
Happy New Year! May 2012 be a banner year for all of us!
And don’t be surprised if you see me in Times Square at the next New Year’s Eve, planting a big one on the girl of my dreams!
Sean Murray is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon.
If you are interested in writing a regular column to be published on The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Sean
Thank you for writing this insightful and enjoyable article.
Wishing you the best during 2012.
Gil Alderson
Desoto, MO
Sean,
A realistic, but hope filled view of our walk thru the new year. May God give us the grace and courage we'll need for the trip through it. Happy new year! And good health to us all.
Julia Munson
I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found the Myeloma Beacon. No one but another person with MM can relate to the deep feelings we all have inside. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Live in the moment: a difficult mental exercise. Zen all around!
Suzanne
Hi Sean!
Loved the write up..especially the last sentence..:)...planting big ones are essential to the joys of living, lol.
Since MM hit ..I have a new mantra: YOLO!!! youonlyliveonce
So
Carpe diem!!
Hi Sean! Happy New Year to you and your family...thanks for the really lovely article. Hope you pace yourself just right and find lots of time for what you enjoy most in life!
Sean, Happy New Year to you and your family. This is a wonderful article, and I join you and all the other multiple myeloma fighters for 2012! Your articles always lift my spirits!
Thank You,
Patrick
Indeed. Dave and I aren't big New Year's celebration sort of folks. I think one of my favorites was as a not of age teenager in the lodge at Squaw Valley. But I love reflecting on the year that has passed and contemplating the year ahead. Writing down wishes for those I have come to know in my life, good things to come their way and a few for us as well. But for me, I work on it all year, its just more fun when everyone I know is doing it too, during the New Year holiday.
Happy New Year to you fellow myeloma warriors - patient and caregiver, alike!
Hey, lori! You're right. Something about writing down (or typing slowly on dex days!) makes our wishes and dreams more real. Maybe it's the commitment beyond the fleeting thought that makes it powerful for us. Here's one I've previously written down: God heal Dave Puente.
Thanks, Patrick! Hearing from folks like you lifts my spirit!
Hi, Nancy S.: Thanks for the advice about pacing - I don't always get this one right! All my best to you!
suzierose - YOLO! I love it! Maybe I'll start answering my phone calls this way!
I agree, Suzanne, today is what we've been given. What good is the vision of tomorrow if we're not paying attention to today? Happy meditations and Blessings to you. Easy to say? Yep. Easy to do? Not always...
Nancy D. - thank you for your kind words! The Beacon is here to help MM patients and their loved ones deal with this disease. Keep in touch!
God Bless you, Julia! And, indeed, Happy New Year and good health to you!
Happy New Year to you, Gilbert, my Show Me State neighbor to the east. Thanks for your kind thoughts. I hope that the winter is easy on all of us. Not sure if this matters to you, but..... how about those Cards!! Warm wishes to you.
Sean, Happy New Year!! Your article made us all think of how precious our gift of time is and how grateful we are for another year. Our best wishes to you and your family and to our "family" here on the Beacon site! May 2012 be a good year for all! Rex and Kay
Thank you Sean! So I'm not the only one who writes down wishes for others! Thank you friend!
Lovely write Sean - as always. Wishing you all the joys and blessings of this fresh New Year. May it be a good one for you in health and happiness with your wonderful and loving family close by. For they are the real gifts of life. All very best wishes for 2012 from this tiny village in middle England.
Hi Sean,
I was surfing the net looking for info on relapsed MM ( my beloved brother Sandy is dealing with relapsed MM as well as dementia) While surfing and clicking, I came upon your column. Thank you for reminding me that there is joy to be found in every day and that sometimes as we are going through our most difficult struggles, we find our greatest blessings. I've been feeling very overwhelmed and "down" about Sandy's situation, but your article is helping me to point myself in a more positive direction.THANK YOU!!
Sandy has started treatment with Velcade and cytoxin and is having difficult side effects- tremors, racing heart, pneumonia. His previous chemo was revlimid and decadron which worked great for 3 years. So far, his bloodwork is indicating a good response to the new drugs, but the side effects are tough. If anyone has any experiences to share about Velcade, please let me know.
Thanks again, Sean. Isn't it amazing how total strangers can give each other hope and support!
Warmly,
Mary Ellen A
My daughter abby was diagnosed 1-20-2011 stage 3 with total renal failure. She was not expected to live and lo and behold, because of velcade went into total remission with return of her kidneys. She had stem cell this August and is still in total remission trending in the right direction. She had no side effect from velcade perhaps because she kept drinking water constantly and ate hard candy, jelly beans, breakfat bars in addition to her regular food. She was 44 at diagnosis and in excellent physical condition, so when she got stronger she went to the "Y" and worked out 4 days a week; she would not allow herself to get sick, i think there was some denial involved in terms of her illness, but i never saw her once have a side effect. One of the things they did at Northwestern, where she was treated was when she had infusion, she was given compazine. I don't know if this helps, but water and candy were her friends. I will pray for your brother. I truly believe that everyday we have our loved ones in our lives is a blessing and more and more protocols are being discovered to given them a longer chance of survival.
Hi Sean,
Wonderful story and so true. I for one, keep saying "If I'm still here", and I must stop doing that,although I don't know that I will be but........ oh fiddlesticks!
Mike.
Time doesn't wait for any woman, either, but we are pretty adept at double-timing and multi-tasking to spread it out a little longer - LOL!
Your article was a delightful and pensive read - thanks for your excellent contribution. On the caregiver side during the intense times, I was reminded that 'we have today,' and for that we can give thanks.
There are a few on the front lines of MM right now that need some prayer and intentions for the pulling out of rabbits from magician hats during 2012 and so I know your readers will join me in aligning in intention for some good solutions for all those with MM who are needing a different recipe or combo to stabilize or improve their condition right now, and we know this is for the highest and best good for all concerned - any success for one gives hope to others.
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