[Little Monkey]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by Little Monkey on Thu May 11, 2017 5:53 pm

Victor L wrote:

Treatments have been unnecessarily delayed and lives have been lost due to these well-meaning alternative therapy enthusiasts. To the best of my knowledge, there are no effective alternative treatments for multiple myeloma, although certain diets and minerals / vitamin supplements may help with some side effects of the illness and the treatments too, BUT it is important to obtain the advice of your health professional before taking anything.

I couldn't have put it better myself. It seems anyone who can write "The Truth About Cancer" in bold letters on the Internet is an instant oncologist.

[Victor L]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by Victor L on Fri May 12, 2017 1:03 am

Hello Little Monkey,

Thank you,
Victor L

[LisaE]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by LisaE on Sun May 14, 2017 9:49 pm

Oh boy, does it depend.

Here in Lotus Land we were covered in people offering us pot in every possible form. It would stop my husband's nausea. It would cure his myeloma. It would reduce my stress. We refused all of that with varying degrees of gentleness depending on who did the offering.

People who told us what to eat were asked - with a big smile - when each day they intended to deliver our food. After all, we had enough to do with managing treatment and there was no time to learn a whole new way of cooking and eating, so would 4 pm by OK? They could deliver multiple days at once. We had fridge space. That diffused the situations nicely!

For me, the worst were the people who said things like "God has a plan." We're Buddhists and honestly, any god whose plan for my husband was cancer can go get stuffed. But I knew these folks were offering me something they would find comforting. I played and replayed "I Believe" from Book of Mormon, and when those conversations would come up, replayed that in my head so I could smile and thank them and walk away.

We were truly fortunate that most of the people in our lives respected my husband's choices in treatment and supported us in the ways we needed support. My skills as deflecting random crap and smiling at intrusive strangers improved dramatically

[Nancy Shamanna]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by Nancy Shamanna on Mon May 15, 2017 8:15 am

When I was first diagnosed, it was obvious that I had a problem, since due to the spinal com­pression fractures, I could hardly walk. And then, when going through the stem cell transplant, I became bald for awhile! So it was back then that acquaintances would offer advice, and sympathy too. It was a friend at my choir, who asked if wanted to take supplements, who made me realize that she might be selling them! I have always stuck with the doctors' advice I get and the treatments too. I am quite confident that they can help me, at least compared to a random stranger's or acquaintance's advice.

[dianaiad]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by dianaiad on Mon May 15, 2017 10:15 am

LisaE wrote:

Oh boy, does it depend. But I knew these folks were offering me something they would find comforting. I played and replayed "I Believe" from Book of Mormon, and when those conversations would come up, replayed that in my head so I could smile and thank them and walk away.

OK, disclaimer here: you mentioned "I Believe" from "The Book of Mormon," the musical.

Uhmn, how can I say this, erm ...

(just spit it out, Diana)

I once wore one of those little black name tags. Still have the thing around somewhere, and yes, I still very much believe. Yep, I'm a Mormon.

That musical (and that song) has caused me more problems! (sigh) It's not that the expression of absolute belief in odd things because "(insert belief system here) just believe!" doesn't exist, because it does--in every single belief system I've ever run across, bar none at all. It's that Mormonism as a belief system doesn't teach us to 'roll that way." I don't know what Mormonism that show is supposed to be portraying, but it's not the one I belong to.

OK, enough about that, and I am very aware that there was absolutely no intention to offend here. The song is, I'm afraid, right on target for the attitude. It's just aimed at the wrong group of people.

That said, the song does exemplify the wide eyed 'you just gotta have faith' in whatever it is one 'just hasta have faith' in that we seem to encounter in well meaning others. If we, as you do, understand this and can smile and deal with that 'I believe because I believe" approach to life, it's a good thing. It's an especially good thing if we can do so without any unconscious put down and 'see how stupid they are and how intelligent/street wise/superior I am because I'm not like them" in return. Our days will be much happier.

I still want a really good list of things to say to those who don't seem to understand that a paleo diet involving tracking rabbits which will lead to organically grown carrots probably won't fix a hole in one's skull. I'm collecting some, but I think I need a looooong list, to avoid boredom.

(grin)

[LisaE]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by LisaE on Mon May 15, 2017 3:28 pm

I'm a Buddhist. We believe some pretty weird-sounding stuff

And you're right. My using that song wasn't to skewer Mormons. It just helped me cope and smile at attitudes that were annoying AF when things were bad. I needed ways to be gracious to people who were pushing my "giant red warning button" when all they intended to do was be kind.

[dianaiad]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by dianaiad on Mon May 15, 2017 4:27 pm

I figured that, LisaE.

I think we should use whatever works, and if you want to warble "Mormons just believe," well, give me a minute to swallow my Diet Coke and I'll join you.

[Margie C]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by Margie C on Mon May 15, 2017 9:27 pm

I listen to advice I know I will never use and just smile. But I hate it when people tell me of friends and family who have cancer – how they suffered and died. They have never heard of multiple myeloma. Why does anyone think that helps? We are fighting and need a positive environment.

[Nancy Shamanna]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by Nancy Shamanna on Tue May 16, 2017 8:45 am

I agree with you, Margie! I know people whose loved one died of myeloma, and they were surprised that I had survived! But in those cases I try to explain that there are better treatments available now then there were approximately ten years ago.

[kap12]

Re: What do you say to people who offer unsolicited advice?

by kap12 on Fri May 19, 2017 12:57 am

Hi Diana,

What I have found is that people who insinuate themselves to offer unsolicited advice are usually offering a monologue and not engaging in or open to having a conversation. A real conversation involves both sending and receiving. Too often people tend to be so wrapped up in giving their advice that they are not able to accept a response, whatever it might be.

If I could get a word in edgewise, I'd summon the snark in me and say, "That may indeed be the answer; however, I was not asking the question". It usually takes a moment to sink in, but has proven effective to restore the silence.

That said, have you ever noticed that both doctors and chefs wear white coats? When it comes to a health issue, if I had to choose between the two, I think I would opt for someone who had graduated from a medical school rather than a culinary school. It is difficult for me to imagine that the secrets of the universe would actually reside in a vegetable!

Sorry to hear of your relapse. I am holding a good thought for you. Kristine