[timsdawn]

Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by timsdawn on Sun Mar 22, 2015 1:47 pm

One month ago, we lost Timothy John Shields. This man changed my life, my entire world, simply by walking into it just over 8 years ago.

He had a stroke in late 2010, which led to only some residual speech and cognition issues when fatigued. Pretty lucky man ... blessed ... one of many 'Grace' moments. It also led to his retirement from the company he'd been with for nearly 40 years. That gave us more time together to pursue a variety of different things
.
In March, 2013, he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, with a bone marrow biopsy showing 95% plasma cells in his marrow. Wow. What a shock. At the diagnosis appointment, he asked his oncologist 'Will this kill me? How much time do I have?'. His oncologist looked him in the eyes and replied, 'Tim, don't you ever let anyone put an expiration date on you.' I knew we were in the right place ... and the work began.

Tim had several rounds of RVD treatment in preparation for an autologous stem cell transplant. The RVD was not as effective as hoped, only bringing the plasma cells down to 80%. That meant some Cytoxan treatments, which were so very rough, prior to transplant.

He had the transplant on August 30, 2013 and we weathered the following storm of issues. Many hospital stays, pneumonia, blood clots in his lungs, and more.

The transplant did not put him in remission, but did bring the plasma cells down to 10-15%. At the beginning of 2014, he began what would wind up being a 6 month course of treatment with carfilzomib and dex. The side effects were manageable, and it worked wonderfully! Brought the plasma cells down to less than 5%!

Through all of this, there was life, every day. We were in St. Louis for the birth of his grand­daughter, his son's first child, in Februabry 2013. His daughter and new son in law visited us at Hope Lodge the day of their wedding that August. We began a new adventure – black­smith­ing – after he was diagnosed. We shared interests in wood and metal work, and this was something we both enjoyed so much. We created tools, art, memories ... alone, together, and most importantly, with family and friends.

The plan was to start on a maintenance schedule of carfilzomib in September 2014, but a fluke of a question regarding his heart led to a delay and the discovery of a severely blocked vessel in his heart. A shiny new stent in October led to an almost immediate halt in his need for supplemental oxygen. We thought his lungs were having trouble recovering from a recent COPD issue. It had kept us from firing up the forge for awhile. But it turned out to be heart related! That was yet another of many 'Grace' moments.

\We were back in the shop nearly every day, for at least a little while, and back to doing so much more.

Tim's doctors reworked 'the plan', deciding to go with maintenance Velcade shots – far less intrusive, and they were working well. He had gone essentially 6 months with only occasional dex and the myeloma had remained all but stable.

We did not have a cure but the myeloma was pretty well in hand. We had a grip on it, and an understanding of all of the questions and challenges ahead for us, but with the conviction that we would LIVE every day and love. Oh, my ... the power of love. I have never known anything stronger than the love that Tim and I have been blessed to share.

In late January 2015, we were blindsided.

Another round of pneumonia landed him in the hospital. As they treated the pneumonia, he got better, then quickly got worse. The shortness of breath worsened dramatically, but his lungs were clear of the pneumonia. They checked his heart, but his heart was fine. They ordered a lung biopsy. We were told ... some sort of interstitial lung disease ... and that the biopsy results would show what it would take to treat it, if it were treatable.

We stayed positive. After all, every crisis moment had been passed through with us having more time.

We spent a week in the hospital after the lung biopsy. Tim was still struggling with his breathing. But it was time to go home. We could wait on the results at home, and everything was in place to keep him from having to exert himself in any way. Being in the hospital was doing much more harm than good at that time.

We spent a week at home. There were some frightening moments, but we made it through and we had treasures each day. Moments. Memories. There was life ... and love.

Early on the morning of February 22, I had to call 911, as Tim was having trouble breathing and not recovering as he had previously. We spent a few hours at the local ER, then, thankfully, finally got transferred to our 'home away from home' hospital.

The reality was brought home around noon, and I will always be grateful to the crew there that day. They did so much to make him comfortable ... to take away the struggle, the fear ... to give him a time of restfulness before his time of peace.

The damage from the interstitial lung disease had progressed so quickly. Any additional days would have been spent in fear, struggling. That man never should have known a moment of fear ... not one. What he went through that morning was unacceptable.

I knew he needed rest.. He needed peace. And though the anguish still brings me to my knees and broke my heart, he had shown me magic ... a love so powerful. And that love still carries me. Always will.

At 4:36 pm, February 22, 2015, Timothy Shields was surrounded by family and friends as he passed from this world into the next, where he was welcomed by the arms of his father, Robert, and his sister, Linda.

Tim lived every day of his life with love and laughter. As I walk through the home we built to­gether, I find myself laughing out loud nearly as often as I find myself sobbing on the floor. The lives he touched will forever be enriched, and there are so many.

There are few things I am certain of, but I know I am not alone. Tim will be with me, always. And that, without doubt, is Grace. It is adjusting to this new way of having him with me. That is just so very, very hard.

In honor of Tim, and the love we will always share, I post this.

Love ... lives forever ...

Dawn

[mikeb]

Re: Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by mikeb on Mon Mar 23, 2015 5:58 pm

Hello Dawn,

What a beautiful tribute to Tim! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. It's clear from what you wrote that Tim was a very special person.

Please accept my condolences for your loss.

Mike

[Tracy J]

Re: Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by Tracy J on Mon Mar 23, 2015 9:16 pm

Dawn,

What you have written is very touching, but I am saddened by the news of Tim's death. I hope that you are able to find some moments of peace in the coming weeks and months.

Tracy

[Betsy50]

Re: Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by Betsy50 on Tue Mar 24, 2015 11:45 pm

Hello Dawn,

I’m so, sorry for your loss. Get my most sincere condolences.

As Mike and Tracy said, this is a beautiful tribute to Tim and very touching.

Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts and feelings. You brought tears to my eyes. I truly feel for you and wish you can get consolation remembering the wonderful love you both share.

Betsy

[timsdawn]

Re: Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by timsdawn on Fri May 15, 2015 10:40 am

Nearly 3 months have passed ...
and the following feels just as true as
when I wrote it at the end of February ...

- Dawn

How ...

How do I do this thing called life …
Now that I cannot reach for your hand

How do I reconcile these feelings …
The loss, the gratitude, the anguish ...
The relief that your struggle is over
While mine has … changed

How do I wake in the morning ...
Knowing that I can no longer reach out to you before my eyes even open

How do I laugh ...
When your laughter no longer rings with my own

How do I not feel selfish in my sorrow ...
While truly grateful you have peace

How do I … live … now …
When you are such a part of my definition of life

How do I adjust to this strangeness ...
Of having you with me in such a different way

How do I move through this changed world ...
Knowing that you have moved to the next

Time … I’m told … will soften the edge

We’ll see … we’ll see …

[June]

Re: Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by June on Tue May 19, 2015 8:18 pm

Dawn,

I very nice tribute. I lost my husband on February 19th. The poem you wrote is lovely – I have all of those same feelings.

May happy memories provide us comfort.

June

[timsdawn]

Re: Timothy Shields - Love of my life ... and so much more

by timsdawn on Wed May 20, 2015 11:51 am

Thank you Mike, Tracy, and Betsy.

And June, thank you. Yes, the memories, those treasures ... may holding them, revisiting them ... may they provide some comfort for all of us. My heart goes out to you.

To all who have lost, and to all who have their own Individual seats on this roller coaster, I'm humbled by the strength, courage, and grace I've witnessed ... grateful for the understand­ing ... and so deeply saddened that there are so many seats on this ride.

With love, hope, and gratitude,
Dawn