[Justine]

Family feuds

by Justine on Thu Sep 26, 2013 2:40 am

I am having such a difficult time with my family that I barely even think about chemo, treatments & the upcoming SCT. The main problem is they expect me to give over total control of my children to them as though I have already died! I am a sole mother to a 7yr old & two babies under 2 & prior to this multiple myeloma nightmare, moved a looooong way away to escape the family drama & constant belittle net they feel entitled to inflict on me. I am a woman of simple means who's biggest dream was to raise my children in the country surrounded by a loving, close community & natural environment. For 6 months we lived that dream & boy was it great!!! I blossomed with self esteem, my confidence soared, my children were happy
Now I'm back in the city living with family & having every decision taken away from me unless I fight for it....they call me a control freak for being proactive about my medical care., they think I'm rude if I ask my doctor a question & call me silly for bring vegetarian. I know they are not bad people but how do you concentrate on the cancer battle when your family is your biggest opposition in your life?

[LibbyC]

Re: Family feuds

by LibbyC on Thu Sep 26, 2013 3:04 am

Hi Justine,
I am sorry to hear that you have trouble with your family. My first question would be "Do you have to stay with them?" If you do what can be done to decrease the negative impact it is having on you and your children. (I believe a positive frame of mind helps recovery with most diseases including multiple myeloma). Perhaps having an independent third person to help would be beneficial. Maybe the australian myeloma helpline could help get you in touch with someone in your area who would be willing to help your family understand what you are going to be going through.

Hope this helps,
Libby

[Nancy Shamanna]

Re: Family feuds

by Nancy Shamanna on Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:05 am

Hi Justine, Would you and your extended family be able to seek counselling through the AU Cancer Care, or other agency? Sounds like your family wants to help you through this difficult time, but perhaps are not respecting your autonomy too. If you could talk with a counsellor, who could see the situation in an objective way, maybe it would help the whole family. Good luck to you all, for it is not an easy path to trod sometimes.

[Justine]

Re: Family feuds

by Justine on Thu Sep 26, 2013 2:42 pm

Thankyou for the feedback. I am a big believer in counselling, I had two years of it to teach me how to communicate with my family without being reactive etc, looks like I need a refresher
Unfortunately we are not cut from the same cloth, it helps me to discuss problems & work at a solution to benefit all involved. My family have told me to take a pill for my anxiety & go to counselling on my own as they don't have a problem with my diagnosis....I do. I just wish i could breakdown for a minute & they could hold me, just for a minute I guess I'm still surprised that some things will never change despite the circumstances being so very crap, but then....that's why we are blessed with amazing friends as well isn't it? "It takes a village to raise a child" & a circle of friends to have your heart healed

[Wayne K]

Re: Family feuds

by Wayne K on Thu Sep 26, 2013 3:00 pm

That's sad and I feel for you. I would remind them that they could really help if they would simply do what and when, What you need done, you'll be more tired than usual, and when, the SCT will put you out of reach for a time and require extra help when you recover.
You might remind them that your body needs to stay as active as possible and your mind needs as much normality as possible. If they care they will learn this.

[tara51494]

Re: Family feuds

by tara51494 on Fri Sep 27, 2013 12:07 pm

Hi Justine. I'm so sorry for the added stress you are under. Families can be very difficult and complicated. I don't think you really need advice, you just need your family to support you and your decisions and if they won't then you need to learn how to be ok with that. The patient gets to decide the treatment they are comfortable with. No one has a right to be angry with you for how you manage your own care.

If the family can't be supportive then you simply don't engage the arguments and disagreements. Don't allow them to be in the exam room with you if they make you feel like you cant ask questions or make decisions. You have to set boundaries where you are comfortable and be firm about them despite whatever childish and selfish reactions you get. Sometimes you need to train people how to treat you, and arguing or engaging with them regarding your decisions or actions tells them that they have a right to tell you what to do in the first place - they don't.

Best of luck to you, hope things get better. Try very hard not to let the situation stress you too much. It's just not worth it, you're health is the most important thing.