[diamonds585]

Diamonds' personal journey as a caretaker

by diamonds585 on Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:45 pm

Who knew? When a family member is diagnosed with cancer it is a family affair. The entire family now has cancer. Our family is small, basically just the two of us. But, from that day forward, we both have cancer.

I used to get annoyed when I would go to the doctor appointments with Gary and see large families sprawled about the waiting room, occupying every available chair. Many cancer sufferers, the real ones, end up standing. The families bring everyone from grandma to the small babies. The children really shouldn't be in the cancer waiting rooms. They carry germs and germs are what ultimately kill the cancer patient.

Several years later I've come to realize that the family has cancer. That is why they are all waiting patiently in the waiting room for their person to be seen by a doctor. They want answers and they want to hear the answers with their own ears. I get that. I used to travel with Gary to every appointment. That was 7 years ago. I only go now when he needs a procedure or at least a driver following a procedure. It is old hat for us now. But, these newly diagnosed families have a need to be there. I'm sure if we were a large family, if Gary had children, they would all be sprawled about the waiting room too.

When I say cancer is a family affair I mean that everything changes overnight. No one calls to see if we want to go horseback riding or fishing or swimming. They want to know how Gary is doing. They want to know how I am doing. We both have cancer. People mean well but they look at us differently. They don't think of us as a healthy, vibrant couple anxious to live life to the fullest. They can't see us that way. We don't see us that way either. We have cancer. We are sick. We go to doctor appointments, take treatments, spend time in hospital beds or motel beds close to the hospital. We lose our hair. We hate our lives. We have cancer.

After 8+ years of living with cancer we both just exist. Gary has lost weight and lost energy. I've not lost weight but I also don't have the will to do much. I sit at my computer or in front of the T.V. We go out to eat when he feels up to it. We laugh maybe once during supper. Life isn't joyful.

Gary is an angry cancer patient so I've become a bit angry myself. I feel selfish. I want my life back. I'm healthy but no one knows it. We have cancer. We are a family and the family has cancer. Everything I do or think or feel is tempered with the thought of how it will affect Gary. I'm holding my breath. I'm waiting to exhale. It has been a long time and my lungs ache for a breath of fresh air. I was told, promised, that the disease will take him in approximately 30 months from diagnosis. At the time that was devastating news. It has been over 7 years. We have been grateful for the years on one hand but the waiting, the not knowing when or how or how much longer is hard. I want to exhale. My lungs are on fire.

We met some wonderful men with the same disease. Their wives became our family. We were now a family of at least 6 cancer people. We got together for dinners, plays, musicals and many laughs. Randy passed in the promised 30 months. I think Robert was closer to 50 months. We don't see the wives much now. They no longer have cancer. We still do.

[rumnting]

Re: Diamonds' personal journey as a caretaker

by rumnting on Mon Nov 21, 2011 10:49 pm

I so know how you feel. And then you feel guilty for feeling that way. You are supposed to stay positive all the time. My husband is in a good phase - just 45 days post transplant. I know we won't get Christmas party invitations this year - we have cancer. And then I feel petty for being bummed over lack of social outings! This is the "new normal". I liked the old normal better.