[Annamaria]

Re: Depression - have you experienced it?

by Annamaria on Sun Feb 16, 2014 1:15 pm

Having our disease IS depressing. Nonetheless, after many months in which the dark thoughts persecuted me many times a day and sometimes at night, I now feel better. It is as if all the images of the hospital and the doctors and the suffering and the arms full of backmarks from broken veins and the boldness are fading away, they feel more distant as daily life takes over.

I am in remission too and in good shape. I know that the darn thing will come back and yet the thought anguishes me less than before. Like everybody I hope my remission will be long and the medicines more and more useful in fighting myeloma. I started doing new things and that helped. I am taking drum lessons and love it! It makes no sense at the age of 59, but who cares? In this group we all know what is really important. Seeing a psychologist specialized in oncology is also helping me.

A few days ago I learned that here in Italy I am part of the 4% of people with cancer. How I would like to be in the 96% without! It makes me feel that I am unfortunate to be in that percentage, and in fact I am. And when people say to me "Oh well, none of us know when we will die" I think "right, but you can hope to live long while in my case, unless they make an important discovery, there is no old age. "

Since the diagnosis I feel like I am carrying a heavy back pack. I can laugh or have an interesting discussion, I take care of the FB group against sexist advertisments I founded, I spend time with my husband and my daughter, I love swimming and do it regularly, and everything is like before except for the metaphoric backpack, the awareness of having the disease.

The difference with before is that I don't spend time contrasting the obsesssive dark thoughts with self reassurance, now I think about all the aspects of the situation much less. It is just the backpack now, and this is already a progress in my view.