When dating, when is it appropriate to fess up to having multiple myeloma?
Like selling a home, you want curbside appeal. No trash or dead lawn in the front yard. You want a potential buyer to at least park the car and check out the house!
So telling a potential date upfront that you have cancer might be like leaving a dead tree in the front yard.
On the other hand, not “fessing up” to having multiple myeloma after being intimate is not fair to the “buyer” either.
After divulging having multiple myeloma, the topic of prognosis would be the elephant in the room.
In my case, after 9.5 years of battling this beast, I’m doing fine. But my numbers have been slowly creeping up, so sometime in the next 6 months (?), I’ll probably be off Revlimid and on to the next treatments.
I figure prognosis would require some discussion since when she googles this disease she’ll most likely see a lot of websites that list 4-5 years as medium life span after diagnosis.
Any input would be appreciated!
Thanks, Stann
Forums
6 posts
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Stann - Name: Stann
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Myself
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 9/11/09
- Age at diagnosis: 46
Re: Dating when you have multiple myeloma
My humble opinion is to get to know the other person and chat about things. If the opportunity feels right, tell your story.
Better to be upfront and feel supported.
Better to know upfront and make informed choices.
Wishing you all the best.
K
Better to be upfront and feel supported.
Better to know upfront and make informed choices.
Wishing you all the best.
K
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KarenR - Name: Karen
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Self. My mom had it
- When were you/they diagnosed?: Dec 2018
- Age at diagnosis: 57
Re: Dating when you have multiple myeloma
Hi Stann,
I am sorry to hear that you are single now! i remember you posting a few years ago that you went on a nice family holiday to Japan.
I think that you could meet people through joining groups, such as cancer support groups, or interest groups such as sports or a choir. Then when there are group social events, you have a chance to talk with people. There are many single people who join groups, I have found.
Wishing you well, and take care!
I am sorry to hear that you are single now! i remember you posting a few years ago that you went on a nice family holiday to Japan.
I think that you could meet people through joining groups, such as cancer support groups, or interest groups such as sports or a choir. Then when there are group social events, you have a chance to talk with people. There are many single people who join groups, I have found.
Wishing you well, and take care!
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Nancy Shamanna - Name: Nancy Shamanna
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Self and others too
- When were you/they diagnosed?: July 2009
Re: Dating when you have multiple myeloma
I also think it's probably best to get to know someone a bit before discussing the myeloma issues. I don't think you'd want to let things go too far, though. If you're starting to get involved with someone who won't be comfortable with the situation (and there are a thousand different possible reasons for that) then you want to get yourself disentangled while it's still not too difficult a process.
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Mike F - Name: Mike F
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Me
- When were you/they diagnosed?: May 18, 2012
- Age at diagnosis: 53
Re: Dating when you have multiple myeloma
Hi Stann,
Hopefully you've met someone who is special and open minded. But I certainly understand how it feels to get this type of news. You wouldn't want to share this information on the first couple dates, but definitely before becoming intimate. And with someone you see long-term potential with.
Ten wonderful years ago, I was on my fourth date (with my now husband). During the "where do we see us going" conversation, my guy gave me the news. At that point, he had had multiple myeloma for 12 years. He asked me to spend one day researching the web, and one day only. Then go with him to his doctor and ask all the questions I could think of. He wanted to make sure I understood the disease from not only his perspective, but others as well.
We both knew we had something special and we were ready to be committed to each other. He wanted me fully aware but not fearful. I did my research, and yes, it scared me. But I was smitten with the man I had been on four dates with and couldn't see my life without him. Now, had all this happened on the first date, it would've been too much to process for me.
I wish you all the luck! And the right person will stick with you through anything.
Hopefully you've met someone who is special and open minded. But I certainly understand how it feels to get this type of news. You wouldn't want to share this information on the first couple dates, but definitely before becoming intimate. And with someone you see long-term potential with.
Ten wonderful years ago, I was on my fourth date (with my now husband). During the "where do we see us going" conversation, my guy gave me the news. At that point, he had had multiple myeloma for 12 years. He asked me to spend one day researching the web, and one day only. Then go with him to his doctor and ask all the questions I could think of. He wanted to make sure I understood the disease from not only his perspective, but others as well.
We both knew we had something special and we were ready to be committed to each other. He wanted me fully aware but not fearful. I did my research, and yes, it scared me. But I was smitten with the man I had been on four dates with and couldn't see my life without him. Now, had all this happened on the first date, it would've been too much to process for me.
I wish you all the luck! And the right person will stick with you through anything.
Re: Dating when you have multiple myeloma
Interesting topic, as I was coming out of divorce and would go on the occasional date. I have full custody of both of my boys as well.
I just finished my stem cell transplant and was on the second year of maintenance therapy and met a girl for the first time from an online dating site.
We had dinner after talking online for about 2 weeks and realized that we were exact matches. We continued to stay in touch over time and are now a couple with thoughts of marriage after a year.
I brought it up in our first face-to-face conversation and she was in disbelief because I looked "healthy"
It was not at all the main topic, but I put it right out there.
She walked through the relationship with me with caution as she just lost her best friend and said that she did not want to lose me. The cancer was an issue for sure. And we were both honest about it.
She came with me when I got treatment infusions and we were forced to sit and chat with each other. After the first infusion she said that she wanted to come to ALL of them.
I showed her that I was still the same happy-go-lucky person that I was even during treatment.
She came to my appointments with me and I allowed her to ask my doctor anything she wanted.
She was there when I rang the bell ...
Now God works in mysterious way: About 4 months ago, she was diagnosed with Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia, which is a very rare cancer with a lot of similarities to multiple myeloma.
She is actually seeing my oncologist now and I sit with her when she gets treatment infusions.
She knows that I understand her. She knows that if she is having a bad day, I don't judge. She saw what "chemo" was and was not as scared of it because she saw me do it.
We joke that we have more dates at the oncologist than we do at restaurants.
I was honest about me right off the bat. It is only fair to her. If she wanted to walk away from my issues, then it is on her. I can respect that.
She did not, and how odd that she now has someone who understands what cancer is.
Be honest with anyone. I always thought I was "damaged goods," but my girl makes me feel like I am her life's treasure.
I just finished my stem cell transplant and was on the second year of maintenance therapy and met a girl for the first time from an online dating site.
We had dinner after talking online for about 2 weeks and realized that we were exact matches. We continued to stay in touch over time and are now a couple with thoughts of marriage after a year.
I brought it up in our first face-to-face conversation and she was in disbelief because I looked "healthy"
It was not at all the main topic, but I put it right out there.
She walked through the relationship with me with caution as she just lost her best friend and said that she did not want to lose me. The cancer was an issue for sure. And we were both honest about it.
She came with me when I got treatment infusions and we were forced to sit and chat with each other. After the first infusion she said that she wanted to come to ALL of them.
I showed her that I was still the same happy-go-lucky person that I was even during treatment.
She came to my appointments with me and I allowed her to ask my doctor anything she wanted.
She was there when I rang the bell ...
Now God works in mysterious way: About 4 months ago, she was diagnosed with Waldenstrom's macroglobulinemia, which is a very rare cancer with a lot of similarities to multiple myeloma.
She is actually seeing my oncologist now and I sit with her when she gets treatment infusions.
She knows that I understand her. She knows that if she is having a bad day, I don't judge. She saw what "chemo" was and was not as scared of it because she saw me do it.
We joke that we have more dates at the oncologist than we do at restaurants.
I was honest about me right off the bat. It is only fair to her. If she wanted to walk away from my issues, then it is on her. I can respect that.
She did not, and how odd that she now has someone who understands what cancer is.
Be honest with anyone. I always thought I was "damaged goods," but my girl makes me feel like I am her life's treasure.
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Tigerboy74 - Name: Mike
- Who do you know with myeloma?: Me and few others
- When were you/they diagnosed?: 2007
- Age at diagnosis: 32
6 posts
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