Last fall, as my hus­band and I were getting ready to leave the house, we saw a bobcat walking on our deck. At the same time, we also noticed a large porcupine sitting in a crabapple tree that overhung the deck.

We had never seen a bobcat or a porcupine on or near our deck, and seeing them was unnerving to me, even though we've not en­coun­tered these two animals in our garden since then.

Along the same lines, a scary incident oc­curred along an estuary when we were visiting Vancouver Island last month. We were walking on a path­way about ten feet above the waterline when we saw maybe ten grey shadows under the water moving in unison to­wards us. Just as we realized that the shadows were a herd of seals chasing some­thing, red blood spurted in the water as they caught and ate a fish. Three seals then swam up on the bank and stared up at us with their big round eyes.

I was totally unnerved by this incident with the seals for at least two days, and the ex­peri­ence made me think of times when having mul­ti­ple myeloma fright­ened me very much. It was dif­fi­cult for me to cope with the concept of having a destructive and life-threatening illness.

Back in 2009, a strange onset of crushing back pain only got worse over time and culminated in ex­treme­ly painful ver­te­bral fractures. The pain and fractures led to my diag­nosis of this rel­a­tively rare blood can­cer, and after the diag­nosis it did not help me much to read a lot of predictions as to where it would ultimately lead. Some people who had known someone with myeloma also told me how deadly it was, which fright­ened me. If it were not for the new drugs avail­able, the stem cell trans­plant, and the really good care I re­ceived, I don’t think I would be doing as well to­day.

Fear threatened to overwhelm me at every stage of the treat­ments, even as recently as last Octo­ber when I started treat­ment again.

In hindsight, I can say that it definitely was a fear of the un­known. The actual treat­ments were not quite as bad as they seemed in my imagination, and they helped me to diminish the myeloma. In addi­tion, I had very sup­port­ive family and friends helping me to get through all of this.

In the world of nature, animals must always be on the alert for danger. In our human world, we have to deal with danger as well and must be aware of our surroundings, which for those of us with myeloma in­cludes our blood test re­­sults.

The best thing for us, how­ever, is not to worry all of the time, lest we overwhelm ourselves with stress and fail to see the good things in life.

Since at its best being a myeloma patient can be a long-term pros­pect, I have learned to man­age my fears by work­ing around my treat­ments.

I know when the drugs I need to take affect me the most, and try to rest more at those times. Now that I am getting Dar­za­lex (dara­tu­mu­mab) every four weeks, I realize that the ‘treat­ment week’ is when I am at a low ebb. My immunities and energy levels are at their worst. Since I know this, I am able to look ahead and plan my time in the short term.

My dexa­meth­a­sone dose has been lowered now, so I don’t feel the effects of that drug as much, yet I am a bit more tired. I don’t bounce back from the dex as I did be­fore. Maybe I am just getting older and more tired, but it is dif­fi­cult for me to know that. I think, though, that I have less energy than others my age who do not take med­i­ca­tions for a chronic con­di­tion. However, I am really grateful that I am able to a large extent to par­tic­i­pate in my life as it was be­fore. Currently I am enjoying video­confer­enc­ing with my sup­port group, needlework guild, and choir. I have not had to drop all of my ac­­tiv­i­ties due to the treat­ments or because of the pan­dem­ic.

Thus, the concept of ‘fight or flight’ has been lessened for me because I can plan ahead. I can re­duce the fear factor by telling myself that whatever is the worst, and it is not that bad actually, will pass, and that my cycle of treat­ments is man­ageable. This is a great relief to me.

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The quotation for this month is from Marie Curie (1867 – 1934), a Polish-born French physicist and chemist, who said: "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be under­stood."