Living For Lamingtons: Learning About Depression In Unexpected Ways
About four and a half years ago, prior to my multiple myeloma diagnosis, I started to have lots of health issues that were previously unknown to me.
The ones that initially affected me most severely were back and rib pain and breathlessness when I exercised. I had slipped when hill walking, and I thought I might have pulled a muscle or even broken a rib. I couldn’t find any reason for the breathlessness, but I thought I might have damaged an intercostal muscle.
Yet none of this really made much sense. My slip had been minor, and rather than getting better with time, my health problems were intensifying.
So I made an appointment to see my family doctor. During the next few months, I saw this doctor or another within the practice about 12 times. I was given lots and lots of painkillers. Every time I went to the practice, I was given yet another prescription for a stronger drug. It was also suggested to me that I should see a physiotherapist and a chiropractor. I tried both and was in excruciating pain as they manipulated my back and ribs.
This situation continued for months, and the problems got worse and worse.
I can still remember well the particular doctor’s visit when I was told that I was depressed. It certainly was true that I was anxious and worried about my deteriorating body. But depressed? Why would I be depressed?
I hadn’t previously suffered from depression. I didn’t know very much about depression, but I did know that it was a very serious condition and wondered if it could somehow explain my symptoms. I certainly was not my usual happy self. I couldn’t do any of my normal activities, and the constant dreadful pain was wearing me down. Did these symptoms cause depression, or was depression causing these symptoms?
Eventually my health deteriorated further and, because my husband and I had moved to Singapore, I finally was referred to a myeloma specialist. That was the end of any further discussion about depression because I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. I was obviously very sad about my diagnosis, but I am pretty sure that I wasn’t depressed.
It was a tough diagnosis, and I can appreciate that it could lead someone to experience a sense of hopelessness and possibly depression. Maybe some readers of this column have experienced depression or, like me, a false diagnosis. I would never, ever want to belittle the way other people react to the many grim things that a myeloma diagnosis and subsequent treatment bring.
During the year following my diagnosis, I did come across depression. My dear school friend was going through the most severe, frightening, and terrible bout of depression. Despite me being in a hospital in Singapore and her being in the United Kingdom, we started to share our experiences. I learned about depression. My friend learned about myeloma.
One of the upsides of my treatment with dexamethasone was that I was awake most of the time. Coupled with the time difference between Singapore and the UK and my friend’s chronic insomnia, we were able to chat via email day and night.
It sounds pretty awful but, for both of us, it was a lifeline. We renewed our old friendship in an incredibly meaningful way. Mutual understanding has continued and is so very precious. I found finding out about depression very challenging, and I have great sympathy for those who suffer. It’s such a difficult and sort of unseen struggle.
My friend has become a myeloma specialist of sorts and can follow me through my symptoms and my fears. She is always there for me and still provides 24-hour support (though fortunately we’re both sleeping better now and live in the same time zone). I, too, have some understanding of how she was feeling, and I have had the privilege of following her recovery.
During the time we were chatting regularly, my friend often asked me this question: Why is it that you are the one with multiple myeloma and yet I am the one with depression?
It’s strange to think of it that way. I don’t have an answer. I don’t know why. But I certainly know that I am not immune to depression any more than I am able to avoid relapse. And it seems so unlikely that myeloma and depression would have such a positive outcome for our friendship, but life is full of unexpected turns.
Marjorie Smith is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist here at The Myeloma Beacon. Her column is published once a month. You can view a list of her columns here.
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How lovely that you reconnected with your friend, although the circumstances certainly aren't optimal! I've found myself depressed with my myeloma, but it comes and goes and is often affected by factors that don't involve the myeloma itself at all (my cat died, my next door neighbor moved, etc.). I actually tried an antidepressant, but it gave me abdominal pain and diarrhea. I decided I'd rather be depressed. At least for now.
Thank you for writing about this. It can seem ironic that someone with myeloma might not be depressed while someone who "isn't sick" is, but I know depression can be very real and very debilitating, and it's so important to talk about it.
Kind regards, Pris
What a great story and an inspiration. It’s wonderful how the two of you were able to help each other. I could understand about being depressed, but I, like you, had rib pain and took awhile to get the diagnosis of multiple myeloma. My daughter, who is a registered nurse, and I, a licensed practical nurse, knew this wasn’t good. My second cancer diagnosis in five years, the first endometrial cancer and now multiple myeloma. Not the best news, but at least I had an answer for all my pain. After all the pills and tests, I had an answer. I hope you are well and living life to the fullest. I am! A fellow multiple myeloma patient.
Dear Marjorie, thanks for the nice column. I hope that your friend has recovered a lot from depression and that you are better too from the injuries to your ribs and back. I can relate to this too!
Dear Marjorie - What a wonderful column. Not only did you bring up a very important subject (depression), but you shared a personal story of how you reconnected with an old friend who was suffering through depression. I like to think of depression as the silent, invisible disease. Most of us miss the signs and symptoms. I had a colleague who suffered from depression, and I totally missed seeing her signs and symptoms until she had to be hospitalized. From that time on, I have made a huge effort to recognize the signs and symptoms in others and to help and understand when I can. Since my husband’s diagnosis of multiple myeloma more than 5 years ago, I have been on alert to those signs and symptoms in him since he went through a short period of depression 20 years ago. Fortunately, he has had not fallen into depression, even though there have been times during this myeloma journey when he was close.
Marjorie, thanks so much for writing this article. I experienced my first bout of depression last year and am incredibly thankful it was short lived, but if I ever experience it again, I am getting professional help, because I never want to feel like that again. It gave me a new appreciation for those poor people who live with this day in and day out. I'm so glad your friend had you to talk to!
Dear Pris, thanks so much for your comment. I am sorry that you have had depression and hope you’re doing as well as possible. I appreciate the point which you made about talking openly about this topic, I felt unsure about writing this column so it’s good that you felt that it was helpful. With thanks and best wishes to you.
Hi Melanie, I was sorry to hear that you had also had a lot of unexplained pain before diagnosis and had another cancer to contend with. It’s not surprising that you have been in such awful pain. It’s great to hear that you’re living life to the fullest, I will join you with that plan!
Dear Nancy, thanks for your comment and your best wishes. It’s nice to know that we can empathise and support each other from far across the seas!
Dear Patty, it’s so good to read your comments and I am pleased that you feel that I have raised some relevant issues. I think you’re right about trying to be alert to depression and not trivialise the way in which people react to different circumstances. I am glad that your husband is not suffering from depression, you must be such a rock for him.
Hi Susan, I am really sorry to hear that you have suffered from depression. It’s so hard to talk about it and to get help. I’m pleased that you managed to work through it and come out the other end. Wishing you all the best.
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