I am not sure if I’ve always been a worrier or not. I think my worrying has been, and maybe still is, in the normal range of worrying, but of course it is rather difficult to tell.

As I’ve mentioned before, prior to being diag­nosed with multiple myeloma, there was a long period of time when I had a lot of unpleasant symp­toms, including back pain, rib pain, and periph­eral neu­rop­athy, to name a few.

Doctors and other medical professionals with whom I consulted at that time told me that I should try not to worry. The suggestion was always that there was a perfectly simple, easily solvable explanation for my symp­toms, or, alter­na­tively, if I would relax and not worry, the symp­toms might go away. I’m sure these comments were well meaning, and I know that worrying is not something that helps any situation, but it was simply impossible for me not to worry.

I worried, my husband worried, and my friends and family members who knew me well worried. I don’t suppose all this worrying was very prod­uctive, but it was, I feel, unavoidable.

Eventually I was diag­nosed with multiple myeloma, and the worrying changed.

I can vividly remember the nurses in the ward and in the clinic telling me not to worry as they knew that my doctor would get me well again. I think this was a very comforting thing to say to me at that time. It was also backed up by the nurses telling me that my doctor always got his patients into remission. The confidence of the nurses seemed, at that time, to instill a feeling of confidence in me and a belief that I would get well again.

However, it certainly did not stop me worrying com­pletely. I worried during the induction ther­apy, the stem cell collection, and the stem cell trans­plant itself. Again, I think this is quite natural worrying. These treat­ment regi­mens are tough going and, in my case, as in probably most cases, lots of chal­lenging things happen as you go through them. It often seemed as if one medical problem settled just as another came into view.

Being in remission is certainly a much better place to be, but it’s not without worry either. It is still hard for me just to feel carefree, even for a while. I man­age it from time to time, but worries tend to creep in.

Recently, I’ve had very bad neu­rop­athy and, of course, it takes me back to the times in the past when the active myeloma was causing nerve damage. It seems as if this is not the case this time; it was an outbreak of shingles that caused the nerves to become so activated. I had a few very worrying weeks before my mind was put to rest.

I know that I tend to also overreact to certain aches and pains, particularly back and rib pain. When I get pain in places where I had all the bone lesions at diag­nosis, and the pain is in any way similar to the pain of the past, I sort of freak out. It starts to occupy my mind in a way I just hate, but I don’t know how to stop it. I wish I could be more laid back, but it just does not seem to be possible. The myeloma worries have a way of sneaking into my thoughts.

And yet this is not the way I live the rest of my life. I don’t overworry or ruminate about other aspects of life. I tend to ‘go for it;’ I will go off and do all sorts of things and enjoy the thrill of new ex­peri­ences and places. I don’t worry about things as much as maybe I ought, which can lead me into difficulties.

For example, I recently had the chance to go swimming in the sea, one of my favorite things to do. Unfortunately, I was attacked by a tentacled jellyfish and got a very bad sting. My rather strange, new immune system reacted very badly, and I had to endure a ton of medication to get this under control.

However, I would probably do a similar sort of thing again, as I am always looking for ways to be happy every day. Plus, I revel in the small pleasures of life. I don't want to be frightened to do things that make life pleasurable, but I guess it is important to get the balance right.

So my worries and my pleasures are always with me, battling for position.

I do usually try to keep mostly of my myeloma worries to myself, but it seemed okay to share them with you.