Having multiple myeloma is quite a big thing. Being diagnosed with the disease certainly is one of the biggest things that has happened to me. It’s a big deal that we sufferers, and our loved ones, live with every day.

For me, multiple myeloma often permeates my thoughts even when I try to drive it away. Sometimes I’m having a chat with friends, and I’m feeling much like everyone else, but then The Big Thing gets in the way. I find that I can get upset about the way in which my life has changed because of myeloma, or I find that I just have to openly acknowledge that my options and choices are limited by my disease.

Despite that, I think I’ve more or less gotten used to multiple myeloma being in my life and, at the moment, it’s sort of settled in its place because I’m currently in remission. I’ve often heard people who write on The Beacon say that life will never be the same again, and I agree with that sentiment. Having multiple myeloma is a big thing which we are saddled with forever.

However, having myeloma also seems to have brought to the fore the importance of the small things in life. Sometimes these are good things, and sometimes they’re not so good.

There are many smaller things that appear on a more or less daily basis. Myeloma itself, and the dif­ferent treat­ments I have had, cause all the small infections that now plague me. I often have shingles and other viral infections, and these lay me low. Just last month I had another bout of shingles, and I felt pretty awful for a few days. Once the rash appeared, I realized what was happening and took the necessary medication. I felt okay again after a while, but once the shingles had subsided, a cascade of other 'small things' fol­lowed. This included a return of the neuropathy I have suffered from for many years, even before I was diagnosed. The small things can add up, and then they don't feel so small!

Hospital visits and blood tests are other myeloma-related things that are ongoing in my life. I have blood tests every two months at the hospital when I go to see my consultant. The blood tests themselves are, of course, nothing to worry about. However, the waiting and the tension associated with trying to find out the results is not much fun. I find the cycle of waiting and worrying tiresome, and I'd love to escape it. It might appear to be a small, but it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes I seem to be perfectly calm and in control about this routine, and other times I become very nervous and anxious. From time to time, I even find that the pre-diagnosis nightmares return. I cannot really identify what makes me react so differently to the same small things.

But other small things give me great pleasure. Somehow I’ve developed the ability to make the most of the many smallest, pleasurable things that happen. I’ve found that I now focus much more on today. So, for example, I get enormous pleasure from seeing a plant growing in the garden, listening to a bird singing, having a walk with a friend, or just any tiny trip or treat. Just this week, I shared a delicious cake with a friend – a small event, but a very big pleasure.

Sometimes I listen to people complaining or arguing about what seems to me to be nothing important, and I feel sad for them, because I feel they are wasting time on such small things. I really try not to do that any­more.

Sadly, The Big Thing sits behind me far too often. Nowadays, the worry of a potential relapse is a ‘big thing’ that sneaks into my mind frequently. However, I’m trying to live in the now and keep that worry in the back oven for as long as possible.