Living For Lamingtons: The Effect We Have On Other People
Perhaps it sounds a bit cheesy, but I get great pleasure when I make, or think I make, other people happy. This may just be a simple characteristic of being human, but it's certainly something that matters a lot to me. It's great fun when you seem to succeed, and it's lovely to plan for your next 'attack'!
I'm not talking about fancy gifts or huge surprises, just little gestures, or maybe notes of thanks and love.
Having multiple myeloma doesn't change this in a negative way at all. In fact, I think I probably speak for most Beacon readers when I say that a diagnosis such as multiple myeloma possibly heightens your awareness of the often unseen or forgotten, but most important, things in life. Exactly what these are will be different, of course, for each person.
But it's the other end of the spectrum, making other people sad, that concerns me the most. Of course, I don't mean to do this. Of course, I don't want to do this. But I do make other people sad, and I hate that.
Just as multiple myeloma has altered my life, it has changed so many other people's lives around me.
One of my most vivid memories happened before I was officially diagnosed. I was home in Scotland, as I had been supposed to be speaking at a meeting, and my husband Graham was in Singapore. I had been looking at some recent blood results, and based on those results, Graham and I had worked out that I probably had multiple myeloma.
I had to tell my brothers. I had to summon them to our house as, by this time, I couldn't walk. They arrived after their days’ work, and they brought chairs into our bedroom and sat at the foot of my bed. I told them as gently as I could. They couldn't believe what they had just heard. Of course, they didn't want to believe what they had just heard, but as the minutes passed, they believed it. Their worry and sadness was palpable. I'll never forget it.
Just recently, my younger brother was back with me in my Scottish home, and when we passed my bedroom door, he said he would never want to go into that room again. I had made him so very sad.
In the year following my diagnosis, I feel that I made many other people sad. My husband would probably say that I didn't make him sad, just totally determined to do everything in his power to help me to get well. Every small step towards that goal made him happy!
But with other people, it sometimes felt pretty awful. When I broke the news to our family and friends, they were so upset. They found it hard to take in. Many friends told me how unfair they felt this was. They couldn't understand how this had happened to me, particularly as I'd always been so healthy and had avoided all the lifestyle items that are purported to 'bring on' cancer.
I could detect so often that my friends and family were just desperate for Graham or me to say that things were getting so much better now and that I would be okay. It was a very long time until we could give them some of the reassurance they wished for. Our situation continued to make them sad.
We both took every opportunity to share good news along the way. Things improved dramatically when I had the stem cell transplant, which put me in remission. Then it was possible to mostly avoid the difficulties of this disease with friends and get on with the other sides of life. I was back to functioning more or less normally, and that, of course, made my friends and family happy.
But it's not over. Just last week a dear friend asked me, “Will it really come back, Marje?” I had to say that it was very likely that it would. I could see the sadness creep all over her face.
I find these situations so hard. I know that I don't have the responsibility of 'making' people sad or, for that matter, 'making ' them happy. If, on the other hand, I don't tell the truth, I could be doing a real disservice to my friends. I could also 'encourage' a continuing lack of appreciation and understanding of issues that I, and many other people in my situation, face if I don’t talk about my condition. Of course that's not my responsibility either, but I feel it's very much part of my life.
So what's to do?
Well, mostly I remain as positive and as happy as I can. If this is the face I show on the outside, I don't make other people too sad. I concentrate on the other side, trying to make other people happy. That's much better, and I much prefer it!
Marjorie Smith is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist here at The Myeloma Beacon. Her column is published once a month. You can view a list of her columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column for The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Marjorie, you are so right! No matter what we do, when we tell people that we have cancer, many are overwhelmed with sadness for us. I feel that the more we tell them about treatment and prognosis the better they feel. Like you our first two years were rough and we rarely had good news. But after my husband’s successful stem cell transplant, we were finally able to share good news with family and friends. And while we have no real obligation to tell people the truth about our multiple myeloma, the more we share the more others are aware of this type of cancer. We are glad you are doing well and pray that your condition continues to make your family and friends happy.
Dear Patty, thank you so much for your comment and for your good wishes. I am glad that you too have been able to share positive news - long may it continue!
It is good of you to share your thoughts with the Beacon readers, Marjorie! I am sure that your family and friends have accepted your diagnosis and are just hoping that you can stay well. That is where modern research and new treatments are helping immensely. I hope that you don't need to have too much in the way of treatments in the near future, although you might be on maintenance therapy. I found that I have to be more aware of health issues than ever before to stay in a remission! (I like to think that I have some control over that.) Best wishes to you, and happy spring.
I think that the best way to keep my friends and family happy for the most part is to not tell them what is going on, ignorance being bliss and all. Mostly for my own selfish reasons, I tend not to enlighten them. It is harder for me to see them sad than have them know the truth of what is going on. I prefer them to treat me as they always have. This could not be truer for my children. Since I was diagnosed in 2013, they still don't know I have cancer. I have debated in my own head many times weather to tell them or not. I just want them to enjoy a childhood without worry.
Thanks for this column, Marjorie. No article resonates with me like the ones from other patients do. The real understanding is just present in our voices. Your column opens the door to conversations that help us cope
with real relationships on an emotional level. Something a doctor cannot do. These stories on "the new Normal," making our loved ones feel sad, and other touchy topics help so much! I gain new ideas, different points of view and often, good support just reading from our members of the multiple myeloma club. Thank you again!
Dear Nancy, thanks for your comment and good wishes. Likewise I wish you a continued remission and a lovely spring. I imagine that It is a lovely season in Canada.
Hi Vicstir, it is very interesting to hear about the way you deal with your children, not telling them about your diagnosis. I think your decision sounds kind rather than selfish. My circumstances didn't allow me to not tell people, but I can appreciate that it might be easier in some ways. Thanks for your comment and every best wish.
Dear Eleanore, I am very glad that my column was useful to you and many thanks for your nice comments. I guess you are correct we are the 'myeloma club'! I think I preferred some of the other clubs that I've been a member of, but we're rather stuck with this one! Best wishes to you.