Northern Lights: Turning Tables
It is February, and with it comes Valentine’s Day, the day on which we cherish our loved ones. And I have many people in my life who I cherish. As it has turned out in recent years, we have leaned on and tried to help each other through many difficult times.
First and foremost, I am grateful for my husband Dilip. We have been married for 40 years now and can look back on many great times together. We met in the biology department at the University of Calgary, where we found we had a lot in common. We have always been supportive of each other and now have a full family life with grandchildren.
After I ‘crashed’ in 2009, with fractures, and found out that I had been diagnosed with stage three multiple myeloma, Dilip cared for me at that time. Throughout the months of induction therapy, stem cell harvesting, and autologous stem cell transplantation, he, other family members, and friends were there to reassure me and to encourage me to get better.
Our two daughters were at that time university students, studying nursing and medicine. I remember looking up at them from a hospital bed, thinking that the tables had really turned. Now the children were acting as parents of their mother. Far from being able to help them, at that time our roles had switched.
Even after the original crisis had passed, my daughters called or visited every day for many months to check up on me.
The term ‘turning tables’ originated in the 1600’s. Table games such as backgammon could be reversed so that a player could play the game seeing it from their opponent’s perspective. From the aspect of caregiving, I so appreciated being at the receiving end.
I also recall receiving many cards, phone calls, bouquets of flowers, and even two hand knit prayer shawls. All of this kind attention helped me to get through the difficult treatments that lay ahead.
Eventually that intense period of recovering from injuries and undergoing strong treatments subsided, and I gradually got back to a new normal. After all, being a mother, I wanted to get back to being a family caregiver.
Since that time almost nine years ago, much has changed. Our two wonderful daughters got married to really special young men and became parents themselves. It is our joy in life to help out when needed with our three grandchildren, as well as the grand puppy.
As I am a long-time patient now, I am lucky to be in a medical family. Usually Dilip comes with me to medical appointments so that we can discuss any issues intelligently with the oncologists. Then we can talk over any concerns with our daughters as well.
My experiences as a patient seem to have drawn us closer together as a family. My mother, who is now in her nineties, thinks that I am doing well right now because I have so much joy in my life. I tend to agree with her.
Our daughters are more mature now since almost a decade has passed since my diagnosis, and Dilip and I are getting older also. We are all better equipped to handle life’s ups and downs, and I don’t want to have to be at the center of a lot of caregiving attention either.
What I have learned is that although I am not as strong as I once was, and have lost some focus too, for the most part I am a lot better again.
I realize that I am no longer the parental caregiver I once was, but hopefully can provide care and affection still to our family and friends, turning back tables at least partially.
Despite enjoying a wonderful life now, I nevertheless still am cautious about my lifestyle and am painfully aware that I may need to start treatment for myeloma again some time in the future and may need more care then. In other words, the tables may turn again, but I hope my family will be okay with that.
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The quotation for this month is from an unknown author: "Sometimes asking for help is the most meaningful example of self reliance."
Nancy Shamanna is a multiple myeloma patient and a columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of her columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column to be published by The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
Thanks Nancy, I like the way you shine the light forward and show us the path. I am beginning to settle in better these days and get on with living and I think that is a positive outlook.
I received a prayer shawl, too, from a wonderful group of ladies at my church, and I have used it for another friend who was diagnosed with breast cancer. Every time I look at it, I remember all the people praying for me and who have encircled me with their love, help, and encouragement. Great column - thanks for sharing!
Nancy-
Another insightful and beautifully written piece. I especially liked your quote this month. I found that when I’ve asked for help my friends have more than willingly come to my aid. It has taken the burden off of them to try to figure out what might be useful to me.
Nancy in Phila
Good Morning Colin, Susan and Nancy and thanks for your really kind comments!
Colin, I am glad to know that you are able to enjoy your life as it is now, in a beautiful area of British Columbia, and hope you remain well too!
Susan, the prayer shawls were important to me too. One was from my choir leader's church, and another one from the friend of my uncle, who knit it herself. I passed one along, and kept one. I hope that your friend also gets some comfort from staying warm in the winter wrapped in a prayer shawl.
Nancy, I always appreciate your relevant comments on the forum. Many times they do not apply to my situation, not living in the US, but other times you can help people with problems as it relates to your former career as a physiotherapist. Thanks for the compliment on my writing...I owe a lot to the great editing of Maike Haehle, who helps me to craft each column.
Thank you, Nancy, for a heartwarming column this month. I wish I had thought of the role of a caregivers on Valentine’s Day. Thank you for reminding me that it is more than a day to exchange cards. It truly is a day to reflect on the people we love and the roles we play in those lives. Also, thanks for the quick history lesson on “turning tables.” I love learning little gems like that. Recently I accompanied a dear friend to a major cancer center for a second opinion on her rare cancer. You have frequently shared your thoughts on having such a wonderful support system. While at the cancer center, I saw that most patients had a caregiver with them but some did not. My heart broke for those patients who do not have a good support system and I would urge others to lend a hand whenever they are able.
Very good column, Nance. You married most fortuitously, 40 years ago. I've heard other women married to medical doctors say that their husband was too exhausted after working all day to be sympathetic with chronic medical problems at home - Dilip has been - and is - a human jewel. Love, Mum.
Hello Patty, thanks for your comment. I agree that it is nice for patients to have a supportive community...it helps a lot.
Mom, what a nice surprise to see you on the comments section! I could not have known when I met Dilip at university what a long, happy marriage we would have. Thanks for your compliments. He and the rest of the family have taken an interest in myeloma.
Nancy, thank you so much for your insightful column. I've been thinking about your topic for more than a week now. While I feel "accustomed" to my role as caregiver, when the tables are turned in our world and my husband cares for me, sometimes I initially feel odd about it. But, once I let go of my fear of being a burden and allow myself to be vulnerable, I find a beautiful gift waiting for me. I believe that there is grace on both sides of the "turning tables" of life, whether we are caregivers or the ones being cared for, because it's through our actions and efforts that love flows through each one of us to one another. And when might we need it more but in the unplanned, the unwelcome, and the unpleasant stages of life?
My husband is a loving gift to me, as Dilip and the girls are to you; and I have no doubt that we are gifts to them as well. Thank you again for your heartfelt column, and I wish you well for many, many more years to come!
Thank you, Tabitha, for a lovely comment! I wish both you and Daniel all the best also, and hope that you can continue to help each other out when you need to do that.