Have you ever thought about the many television situation comedies, or sitcoms, that we watch? In almost every episode, there is conflict of some kind. The mom and dad argue about junior’s latest problem at school, parents struggle to keep their romance alive, and single people brave ill-fated dates in hopes of finding true love. With all these troubles, have you ever wondered why we tune in?

On shows like "The Big Bang Theory," we can’t wait to see Sheldon spurn Amy’s advances or watch him wreak havoc in poor Leonard’s life with recitations from the roommate agreement. On "Everybody Loves Raymond," we laugh at how the husband Ray always seems to say the wrong thing at the worst time to his long-suffering wife Deborah. 

Of course, it’s the same across the pond, too. On "The Vicar of Dibley," we can’t get enough of the Vicar Geraldine, who is exasperated by trying to meet the needs of the eccentric country folk around her. And we find them all funny. We tune in week after week to see what our favorite characters are fighting about, and how they’ll tie up all their loose ends with a happy bow in half an hour.

So, why is conflict not so funny in our own lives? And more importantly, why does dealing with conflict seem so much worse when your loved one has cancer?

The truth is there are times in every marriage when you want to hurl an imaginary plate of spaghetti at your spouse’s head. The same is true for every parent and child, sibling, work relationship, or friendship. It’s a normal part of life to disagree with others or be frustrated by another person’s reactions. That doesn’t change with multiple myeloma. What can, and often does change is our ex­pec­ta­tion of how our lives should be with multiple myeloma.

The U.S. National Cancer Institute states that the emotional side effects of cancer can dramatically impact your life once you or your loved ones are diagnosed with cancer. Cancer can bring with it a wide range of feelings that people are not used to dealing with. And these feelings may change daily, hourly, or even minute to minute depending on the circumstances, treatments, and issues that the patient, their families, and their caregivers are dealing with. I suspect that anyone reading this column can understand that on some personal level.

Cancer doesn’t take away the difficulties of living with and caring for your loved one. It doesn’t take away the things that frustrate you about one another. What it can do, is make you feel guilty that somehow you aren’t living the life you are supposed to live, now that you or your loved one has been diagnosed.

When we feel badly physically or emotionally, we are more apt to be short-tempered and snap at one another. When we are fearful, we may retreat into ourselves and not be communicative. Unrealistic ex­pec­ta­tions only make the task of living with multiple myeloma worse.

You would think that getting up close and personal with the fragility of life would somehow absolve us of the misspent energies that waste our precious time with one another. But who are we kidding here? We’re still the same people we were before the diagnosis. We share life, love, and problems together. It’s just that now we have cancer sitting at the table with us, and sometimes that really changes the conversation. We still get mad. We still get annoyed when our loved one doesn’t act the way we want them to.

We need to give ourselves a break. Existential quandaries and myeloma markers can’t default us into a state of total harmony or relationship perfection. Moreover, the pressure of trying to live a perfect life amidst the ever-present burden of multiple myeloma is like playing with matches in a gun powder factory. Eventually, something is going to blow.

Both cancer patients and caregivers can (and will) be jerks from time to time. It’s normal. We’re still fallible people; we will be occasionally insensitive or shortsighted. We will need to lash out or blow off steam, or be left alone. Maybe we won’t trust enough, or love too much and smother, or end up driving each other crazy. We may argue or cry or freak out. People on sitcoms do it all the time, and they don’t have anything nearly as serious as multiple myeloma on their plates.

Furthermore, we shouldn’t feel guilty for calling out each other’s “jerkiness,” either. We ought to talk honestly about our feelings, and remember that we’re all perfectly normal, imperfect people who loved one another and argued with one another long before multiple myeloma.

We also need to remember to keep our guilt in check along with our tempers. It would be so much easier to live with multiple myeloma if life’s problems could be solved in the span of a 30-minute comedy, but that isn’t real life.

Relationships are tough, even with the happiest of times – but they are indeed at the core of who we are as human beings. Discerning how we relate to ourselves, one another, and the mysteries of life is what makes life’s journey meaningful. And like any journey; learning, making mistakes, and growing along the way is a beautiful part of life.

So, in those moments where you might imagine how your loved one might look wearing a plate of spaghetti, and most especially in the quiet moments thereafter when you’re regretting your wasted energies, remember that multiple myeloma doesn’t define us or our relationships. Our love for one another does.