When I was in my thirties and early forties, before I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, I had a group of friends with whom I would take annual “guy” trips.  These trips usually involved traveling to a rustic area of Maine or Colorado and camping, kayaking, hiking, and any other manly adventures we could incorporate.

Of course, since I have been diagnosed with myeloma and have become progressively more immersed in my treatments, these trips have fallen by the wayside.

I was recently having coffee with one of the other key members of the old group.  He said, “The guys have been talking.  We’d like to get another trip together for you.  What’s on your bucket list?”

Maybe I had had too much coffee or was irritable from steroids, but my immediate reaction was visceral and surprising even to me.

Bucket list?  Are you kidding me?  That’s Hollywood bull.  You want my bucket list? Number one: staying alive.  Number two: staying alive. Number three: staying alive.  It is impossible at this point to plan past the next few weeks, the next drug cycle, the next set of results, let alone plan an adventure trip a few months out.

The conversation did get me thinking about the whole question of the bucket list.  Was it really just a Hollywood fantasy?  What does it mean to different people in different stages of their lives and, in particular, to patients with diseases such as multiple myeloma?

The idea of a bucket list, a list of things that you want to do before you kick the bucket, has become a part of popular culture.  There are scores of web sites, books, and articles devoted to lists of things that you should do before you die.  Some are even kind enough to divide the bucket lists into convenient categories, such as travel, extreme, love, family, and self-improvement.  Travel to exotic locations and skydiving, for some reason, always seem to be high on the list.

These resources are filled with lots of great advice and tips, if you need help getting started.  Things like: make a list of your life goals, bring joy to others by helping, live your dream, and find joy in your life.  Wow, if only I had known.

My research for this article, besides Googling ‘bucket list,’ consisted of rewatching the movie The Bucket List that came out in 2007 staring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.  I had seen the movie when it first came out, which was shortly after I had been diagnosed with myeloma.  Despite my apprehension about seeing a ‘cancer movie,’ I remembered it being pretty good.

Spoiler alert: The two main characters have terminal cancer and decide to drop all of their treatments to go on a final bucket list fling.  The movie is filled with some of the usual Hollywood themes. Travel to exotic locations, African safaris, the Egyptian pyramids, and of course, skydiving are front and center.  There is making up for past mistakes and righting past wrongs, even reconciling with an estranged child.  The Morgan Freeman character is able to come to terms with regret over missed life opportunities and presumably die at peace, having checked everything off his list.  A touching, poignant Hollywood ending.

I have to admit that when I was younger and pre-cancer, I did think about bucket list ideas, great places to travel, fun adventures, things I wanted to do or see.  The difference was, at that time, the idea of an end was completely abstract.  These were all things I would do or think about doing, but there was plenty of time to get to them.  Reality has hit hard.

While chemo treatments, blood tests, and side effects take up my days, I am forced to look at the idea of a bucket list in a totally different light.

I actually did go skydiving once in college on a dare; I think it’s pretty overrated.  I’m not sure it really matters that I may die not having seen the pyramids of Egypt or been on an African safari; I’m not pining for those things.  I don’t feel like my life isn’t complete because I missed an opportunity to do them.  It’s just not that important to me right now.

What’s important to me now is trying to stay around while maintaining quality of life.  I want as much time as possible with my wife and kids.  I want to live as well as I can, to be a good example for my children, to try to appreciate what I do have and not what I may have missed.  My daughter’s high school graduation and my son’s college graduation in May would be nice.

What’s your idea of a bucket list?