Arnie’s Rebounding World: The Bucket List
When I was in my thirties and early forties, before I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, I had a group of friends with whom I would take annual “guy” trips. These trips usually involved traveling to a rustic area of Maine or Colorado and camping, kayaking, hiking, and any other manly adventures we could incorporate.
Of course, since I have been diagnosed with myeloma and have become progressively more immersed in my treatments, these trips have fallen by the wayside.
I was recently having coffee with one of the other key members of the old group. He said, “The guys have been talking. We’d like to get another trip together for you. What’s on your bucket list?”
Maybe I had had too much coffee or was irritable from steroids, but my immediate reaction was visceral and surprising even to me.
Bucket list? Are you kidding me? That’s Hollywood bull. You want my bucket list? Number one: staying alive. Number two: staying alive. Number three: staying alive. It is impossible at this point to plan past the next few weeks, the next drug cycle, the next set of results, let alone plan an adventure trip a few months out.
The conversation did get me thinking about the whole question of the bucket list. Was it really just a Hollywood fantasy? What does it mean to different people in different stages of their lives and, in particular, to patients with diseases such as multiple myeloma?
The idea of a bucket list, a list of things that you want to do before you kick the bucket, has become a part of popular culture. There are scores of web sites, books, and articles devoted to lists of things that you should do before you die. Some are even kind enough to divide the bucket lists into convenient categories, such as travel, extreme, love, family, and self-improvement. Travel to exotic locations and skydiving, for some reason, always seem to be high on the list.
These resources are filled with lots of great advice and tips, if you need help getting started. Things like: make a list of your life goals, bring joy to others by helping, live your dream, and find joy in your life. Wow, if only I had known.
My research for this article, besides Googling ‘bucket list,’ consisted of rewatching the movie The Bucket List that came out in 2007 staring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. I had seen the movie when it first came out, which was shortly after I had been diagnosed with myeloma. Despite my apprehension about seeing a ‘cancer movie,’ I remembered it being pretty good.
Spoiler alert: The two main characters have terminal cancer and decide to drop all of their treatments to go on a final bucket list fling. The movie is filled with some of the usual Hollywood themes. Travel to exotic locations, African safaris, the Egyptian pyramids, and of course, skydiving are front and center. There is making up for past mistakes and righting past wrongs, even reconciling with an estranged child. The Morgan Freeman character is able to come to terms with regret over missed life opportunities and presumably die at peace, having checked everything off his list. A touching, poignant Hollywood ending.
I have to admit that when I was younger and pre-cancer, I did think about bucket list ideas, great places to travel, fun adventures, things I wanted to do or see. The difference was, at that time, the idea of an end was completely abstract. These were all things I would do or think about doing, but there was plenty of time to get to them. Reality has hit hard.
While chemo treatments, blood tests, and side effects take up my days, I am forced to look at the idea of a bucket list in a totally different light.
I actually did go skydiving once in college on a dare; I think it’s pretty overrated. I’m not sure it really matters that I may die not having seen the pyramids of Egypt or been on an African safari; I’m not pining for those things. I don’t feel like my life isn’t complete because I missed an opportunity to do them. It’s just not that important to me right now.
What’s important to me now is trying to stay around while maintaining quality of life. I want as much time as possible with my wife and kids. I want to live as well as I can, to be a good example for my children, to try to appreciate what I do have and not what I may have missed. My daughter’s high school graduation and my son’s college graduation in May would be nice.
What’s your idea of a bucket list?
Arnold Goodman is a multiple myeloma patient and columnist at The Myeloma Beacon. You can view a list of his columns here.
If you are interested in writing a regular column to be published by The Myeloma Beacon, please contact the Beacon team at .
A bucket list was an abstract idea before diagnosis. It seems very real to me now but I still haven't started treatment. Yes, living is my top priority but there are things I would like to do and they all include doing it with my family. I have a sister who is stage 4 breast cancer and we get much enjoyment talking about what if we could do this or that. There is a lot of travel involved of which we don't have the money for but we still dream. We just want to enjoy life and share happiness with everyone around us.
Yes, Arnie, I get you. When I was diagnosed two years ago the concept was off the radar. Now, I do spend some time thinking it through, and remember an article I read many years ago, in which the author talked about how people who have a comfortable life with no real worries tend to be the ones who work on global issues, like peace in the middle east, pollution, global warming, children in Africa, etc....as life changes, and things like financial problems or cancer or other health problems arise, our sphere of concerns grows smaller, until we are only concerned with our immediate family and surroundings. So I think your point is well taken here. Our bucket lists will change with our circumstances. As the seriousness of our personal lives increases, our bucket list shortens and takes in less of a worldwide perspective.
I cancelled an African safari booked for next month, due to immunity concerns, and am now mostly focused on the myeloma community, and friends and family as you seem to be. Its only reasonable, seems to me.
Take good care,
Eric
As usual, thank you for sharing your great thoughts, Arnie. Your words and your perspective never fail to grab a hold of me.
When I was first diagnosed with MM, I lamented the fact that I wouldn't be able to do some (maybe many) of the things that I'd always thought about doing some way, somehow, someday down the road.
As much as I'd like to go at a bucket list with great gusto, I've been forced to look through myeloma-colored glasses at a potentially shortened, less physically active life. The urgency to notch off another event or to travel to yet another port on my list has surprisingly waned. Now I tend to satisfy myself by living vicariously through other's books, movies, memoirs, and the like. The next best thing to being there, as they say.
While I still travel a bit and enjoy myself on a smaller scale, my current list is populated by things such as paying closer attention to the people and relationships that I've been blessed with. Like you, I do want those weddings, and graduations, and birthdays and other personal things, but now my idea of having lived a successful life is that I make a positive, lasting impact on my children, that I don't let a disease like myeloma dampen my love and connection to my wife, and that I leave no stone unturned when it comes to telling and showing those near and dear just how much their friendship and camaraderie has meant to me.
I will admit, though, that I would love to go see my St. Louis Cardinals win the World Series one more time. And then there's that new Broadway show. And the Irish countryside at spring...
THANKS for a great article.
I like the contrarian tone of your column this month, good friend. My father passed away this summer. Fishing was one of his favorite things to do. And our best vacations were as father and son, flying up to Canada to fish for a week every other summer. As I sorted through his old tackle box, I couldn't help but think, "Maybe I should try to get back up to Canada for a fishing trip." I don't fish anymore, but it is like riding a bicycle; I'm sure I can still land a few big ones!
But alas, members of my family I used to go with--my father and his two brothers--have all passed away. I've lost touch with a few friends that also went along, too. I'm not going by myself--and it is a long way from Florida. Anyway, to me, your friends proposal sounds awesome! Sure you don't want to take them up on it?
Whether you stay or go, you know that I wish you nothing but the best!
"What’s important to me now is trying to stay around while maintaining quality of life. I want as much time as possible with my wife and kids. I want to live as well as I can, to be a good example for my children, to try to appreciate what I do have and not what I may have missed. My daughter’s high school graduation and my son’s college graduation in May would be nice."
You sum up what is important very well. The most important things in life for me are my family.
My bucket list if you could call it that are things that I wanted to achieve before I die. Two of them are goals I set myself when I was ~20 (so a while ago now). One was to write a book (I am currently working on a website - I think that will do for the book) and the other was to go in the Masters games for swimming. A month ago I was giving the all clear to go swimming again. I did one lap of a 25m pool and was exhausted. Obviously the Masters games are a long way off! :). Having myeloma certainly puts a new level of complexity to some of the challenges I have set for myself. Maybe I could swap the Masters games for the Masters & Transplant games (I wonder if there is such a thing. In the meantime I will do as Dory from Finding Nemo said "Just keep swimming".
All the best.
I liked your article. I got diagnosed two years ago at age 49. I have seen much of the world already and I relished living in Spain with my wife for a time. However, for me, since diagnosis, my world has grown smaller and almost sweeter. A simple day spent catching bluegills with my two young sons or coaching their Little League teams fulfills any "bucket list" for me. I love to cook and now I love to teach them recipes and how to work the Weber. The only thing I desire now is to create lasting memories of myself for my kids and to be around as long as possible.
HI Arnie,
I have been thinking about a so called "bucket list" a lot since my diagnosis. The one and only silver lining to a cancer diagnosis, is being able to live life like you are dying. I do not set big goals, but I find myself "going for it" more so than I did before. But, I also tend to look at what I did already, a backwards bucket list, and realize how much I did accomplish in such a short time. I find that to be very therapeutic.
Nice article, Arnie, as usual. Bringing up the concept of bucket lists allows many of us to talk realistically about the experience of being diagnosed and treated for a terminal cancer....maybe even to broach the subject of our own mortality.
Frequently, it seems to me, there is great consternation among members of our community in regard to having a frank, and admittedly, difficult conversation about where we find ourselves and where we are unavoidably headed. But of course, everyone on the planet is headed to their own solitary "dimming of the light"....it's just that those of us with a terminal illness, those of us of a “youngish” age know we have, in all probability, a shorter "shelf life" than most of our peers. So naturally we turn to the idea of the bucket list...we look to the future and ask ourselves how much living we can still obtain, still experience, still digitalize in our memory cards. And yet...all of those new experiences are just one more small drop in the bucket of life....much of which is just "empty calories"....like jumping out of an airplane, or base jumping, or shooting the rapids. I mean, how many of us MM patients really need those kind of thrills to help us feel the joy of being alive? Nah....I think most of us already know the joy in waking up to yet another morning, rain or shine, and hugging the ones we love, petting the dog or cat, and maybe writing an email to someone to help make their day! And as Christine implied above in her post, while we’re looking forward to that African safari or shooting the rapids on the New River this spring, let us not forget to take a good hard inventory of the buckets we've already filled....the many wonderful things we've accomplished....those things we've done to truly nourish our own lives and the lives of others.
Yeah, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I have a whole lot of room left in my bucket....except maybe for the that which matters most to me in my remaining life....and oh, how all of them can hug!
Dear Arnie, I also saw the movie 'The Bucket List' a few years ago and then recently on TV. What struck me was just how healthy the two cancer patients looked! It was a heartwarming tale though.
I prefer the term 'wish list' to 'bucket list'. The term 'bucket list' always takes me back to a scene in a different old old movie…'It's a Mad Mad World', a comedy actually. One of the characters dies in a car crash, and literally 'kicks a bucket' over a cliff. Very silly actually.
My 'wish list' shifts and changes every year. It is certainly different now than it was a few years ago, but I still enjoy making lots of lists and doing interesting activities. Taking up writing in this decade has certainly been a pleasure!
I realized quite a few years ago that my family are the most important in life to me, and if I were destined to be a non stop world traveller, I would have taken that up much earlier in life. We do enjoy vacations though. I hope that you are able to get some nice breaks with your family, and that all is going well with you. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
My brother-in-law had Hodgkins leukemia as a teen, and a different type of cancer in his 20s. When he was in his 40's he used to joke about his bucket list. (Remember; he was joking). He said he would kill mimes ... and Celine Dione! I am sorry to say that he passed away from GI cancer last spring at the age of 51 - but happy to report that he did not cross anything off his bucket list!
I need to clarify my brother-in-law's list. He was using very dark humor about what he would do if he knew that he was terminal. He really disliked mimes and Celine Dion's music.
First I would like to say I enjoy your columns so much. I will not say that I have a bucket list but as you said my first priority is to live and be around to do fun things with my husband and 10 grandchildren and family. I try to create as many memories for my children and grandchildren as possible.
Hi Dr. Goodman -- Perfect: "...to appreciate what I do have and not what I may have missed."
Dr Goodman,
A big thank you for putting the overused term "bucket list" in perspective. This has helped me immensely. I love what Lou said --to appreciate what I do have and not what I may have missed --- a new mantra!!
Dr Goodman,
Great article, but I too do not think about bucket lists either. My time is as you put it 'staying alive". I was originally diagnosed stage 3 June 2011 and relapased in april 2013. I have spent the last 6 months on Revlimid turning me into an almost invalid from the side effects to find out yesterday it's not working so now I have to wait for approval from Celgene to get on the Pomalyst+Dex workout. Hope this works. I am not sure how this disease "thinks". People around me say "dont worry,I know someone who had it 20 yrs ago and is still alive" then there is the opposite those who dont. So I guess I fall in the range somewhere. I hope this new regimen of treatment will not be as harsh, as I was an active person before dear old Revlimid. Well its time to fight the fight again. Be well Dr. Goodman and again thank you for all your articles.
I like my boring, normal routines. I don't really have any great need to go on a safari or skydive. I'm happy getting up and being able to clean my house, write my blog, walk, and work at my little part time job.
What I did start doing this year was to create some mini goals for each month. For instance, one was to go to a local museum, another try a new place for lunch etc. not super exciting but enough for me.
Thanks, Arnie for a deep and appreciated column.
I don't have a bucket list, but I try and live a full life and take opportunities when they present themselves. Timing is never perfect but I still tend to go for it now, where as before dignosis I was much more cautious, worried about money etc.
I was 32 when I was diagnosed so many other MM patients are diagnosed much later then I so I feel they have already done a lot of "living" in comparison. I am 36 now.
Since my diagnosis:
- Bought a condo
- Got engaged
- Got married (wedding planning and cancer treatments are not a good mix lol)
- Sold two condos (my husband and mine)
- Bought a house (In Toronto Ontario this is an accomplishment since the housing market is crazy! Bidding wars, multiple offers and of course crazy prices)
- Went to Europe (honeymoon)
- Went to Mexico (vacation)
- Drove across Canada two times (west from Ontario to Alberta), once for a conference for young adult cancer survivors, once for my husband's family reunion. (We drove the eastern portion when I first started dating my husband.)
- Started my Master’s degree (studying by distance Education)
- Raised $10,000 for the Princess Margaret Hospital Foundation
- Learned how to crochet. Saw a random poster on a telephone pole, took down the phone number and went to some "classes" in the park
Currently working on starting a family (because of my myeloma, fertility treatments).
LYS2012 - Fantastic list! You go girl!
Thank you Arnie for another insightful column. I agree that truly being present with the family, no matter where, is more important than any bucket list. There's nothing that I need to accomplish any more. I just let life unfold as it will, and enjoy every day to the fullest. Sure I want to stay around for the family, and another wedding in two months. But I'm already grateful for my marriage, three children who are all doing very well on their own lives, and all the blessings I have experienced.
Now that I've become resistant to all FDA approved meds for myeloma (I started the BRAF inhibitor last week), letting go of control, and surrendering to the Higher Power is my priority. I believe that the greatest adventure happens to us all after death. No one knows what happens then, but I have a knowing that our present reality is not all there is.
Reassuring my family that they will be just fine without me is important. Besides getting our affairs in order, I will do my best to communicate my love now, and from the other side if I possibly can. My heart is overflowing. And who knows, spontaneous healing is always a possibility. Best wishes to fellow travelers on this path!
Arnie, I guess it just depends where you are. Early on when I had a 3 month prognosis, I just planned to make sure the family was financial OK when I kicked the bucket. Then when I got a SCT and my kidneys came back somewhat, but I still felt the grim reaper was at my door, I decided to make some family memories and took the entire family on a vacation to Rome, which I had thought might be my swan song. Then around year 3 in CR, I had to change my plan because, I just might not kick the bucket right away and now have to find a way to take care, shelter, and feed the two of us(my wife and I), without the benefit of my life policy. Now like LYS2012 (good luck getting pregnant), I find that there are things I really want to do. So I got a groupon to go sky diving, and my wife purchased a race track drive with a Lamborgini, and we plan on making many more memories with our family, and just hope and pray that I can stay just one step ahead of the reaper. Arnie, do enjoy what you have left if you can! I'm with Pat, Just Do It! Best Regards/Gary
"to try to appreciate what I do have and not what I may have missed. "
Perfectly sums up my thoughts as well, Arnie. Thank you.
Thanks everyone for your great thoughts and comments, love hearing everyones different views on the bucket list.
LYS2012, that's awesome!! My husband was diagnosed a month ago at age 33. I would really like to speak with someone else in their 30's with MM if we can connect somehow.
Hi Arnie:
I am keeping up with you via your articles, which I have shared with my brother, diagnosed with MM earlier this year. He is just now beginning to come to terms and deciding on which course he should follow or just to do nothing at all which is where he is leaning now. I will have to respectfully stand on the sidelines and let him have his process, but have comfort in knowing that you and so many others are willing to put your journey out there to offer invaluable insight for all in this battle.
I silently in the past, and now in response to your recent article, wish you and the family all of my best.
Chris
Your final paragraph sums it up.
My eldest daughter forwards me many of your columns. She lives in St. Pete (Gulfport) and is a young MM patient, with whom I believe you have spoken. I enjoyed your recent discussion of Hope.
I have been vigorously healthy all my life, and have enjoyed my "three-score and ten" (plus a couple), but am now battling what should be a fatal disease. I have taken care (and am continuing to take care) of the preparations we all need to make regarding temporal things. My quality of life has been very definitely impacted, but I continue to enjoy what I consider a very blessed life, and try to rest in the confidence of my blessings. Friends and families, and my relationships with them, other humans, and above all with the "Major Power" (whom I know as the one God [and no more], and trust in him and his word), are my "bucket list." I trust in the words of Jesus, and believe they speak to every man, regardless of culture or religion.
My personal background and culture is commonly called "Christian," but I feel that what life ultimately offers me is, or should be, available to everyone, although I recognize the blessings and "luck" that I have as a caucasian middle-class American. I ascribe to no creed, but have reached the point where I am comfortable in fellowship with most people, most of whom identify themselves as Christians or Judeo-Christian, but increasingly others, and in most religious settings, although my hope is not grounded in any religion.
I try to live every day as my last, and have always felt that is the best way, although I am really only recently finally getting better at it. I have no plans to give up living as, in spite of fatigue and occasional disappointment, it is certainly worth living. In my understanding, eternal life is not ushered in by death, but begins here and continues in a manner unlike that preached from almost any pulpit; I personally think the grave changes nothing, so I need to get on with life.
I believe you understand in a good measure what I describe. I appreciate your thoughts as expressed here and in your other columns, and trust you are continuing to rest in hope and to enjoy the blessings of life. Your willingness to share is an inspiration we all need. I have been praying for you, and know that hundreds or more have been praying for me for much of my life. Thanks again for your words.
Jeff