After writing with a broad brush about caregivers ^[1] from a patient’s perspective last month, I promised to “think back and dig deep to remember how I felt and coped when I wore a caregiver’s hat” while I watched over and tried to help my lovely wife, Pattie, while she battled her cancer.

Being cared-for by my wife – and having taken care of her while she battled three different cancers for over six years – I have a somewhat unique perspective on caregiving.

I also interact with other patients and caregivers on a regular basis.

So, I’m going to stick my neck out and suggest a few things that might enhance the delicate balance between patient and caregiver.

So much of this is about perspective.  The proverbial “walk a mile in my shoes” sort of thing.

I can attest that living with cancer is so difficult for both the patient and the caregiver.

Patients tend to feel guilty about needing so much help.  And their lack of independence can leave them feeling defensive and vulnerable.

Similarly, caregivers often feel under appreciated and sometimes taken advantage of.

So what can we all – both patients and caregivers – do to help this vitally important and complex “dance” flow smoothly?

1)  The thing most important for maintaining a healthy patient-caregiver relationship is communication.  Both patients and caregivers need to let the other know what they need and how they are feeling.  You’ll notice that the next few tips are also on this topic.

2)  Think before you speak!  Patients, in particular, need to keep in mind that your caregiver is also likely dealing with their own emotional and physical challenges

3)  Ask for help when you really need it.  But remember patients:  Caregiver’s aren’t gophers or wait staff!  Besides, it feels good to retain some of your independence, and it’s good to get up and get some exercise.

4)  Conversely, the complaint I most often hear from caregivers is that patients are reluctant to ask for help.  Not with the little things (see tip #3), but with larger, often emotional, issues that can hinder and complicate the patient-caregiver relationship.  So...

5)  Share your feelings!  Let each other know when something is wrong, or is weighing on your mind.  You will both feel better after talking about it.

6)  Don’t be afraid to take a break or spend some time apart.  Whether it’s spending some time alone or with your own respective family or friends, this is a must!  You both need time to take your mind off of multiple myeloma and your patient-caregiver roles.  Caregivers also need periodic breaks from their role, which can sometimes be very demanding or stressful.

7)  Both sides should read one or more caregiver blogs regularly.  Sure, reading patient blogs is important, too.  But caregivers face a unique set of challenges, and both of you need to understand them.

8)  Similarly, caregivers should try joining a caregiver chat room or forum.  Attending a caregiver's support group in person would be even better!  But such groups are often hard to find.  Or lobby your local support group to dedicate more time and promote activities aimed at caregivers.

9)  Stay organized.  It doesn’t really matter whether the patient does this or the caregiver, whichever works best for the two of you, as long as you have a system for keeping a dedicated planner or calendar listing appointments, medication schedules, and the like.

10)  Caregivers, familiarize yourself with the patient's health insurance.  And don't stop there.  Make sure that you both have access to financial accounts, and if there is any, understand how the patient’s life insurance works.

11)  Get both medical and legal power of attorney documents signed, along with medical directives.  And don't forget to update both of your wills!

12)  I often write about how important it is to build a medical team.  But how about organizing a caregiver's support team?  Family, friends, social workers, anyone who can help both of you make it through the day.  By the way, don't hesitate to accept help from friends and family when they offer.  I have already said that patients should ask for help when they need it, but caregivers should too.  Just make sure you spread the tasks around, so you don't burn-out members of your "team."

13)  Last but now least, try and do some things together that aren’t all about being sick.  Don’t forget to have some fun!

I'm sure some of you can easily add to my list.  Please do!  As always, your comments are appreciated – and can really help other patients and caregivers a lot!

Feel good and keep smiling!