Pat’s Cracked Cup: Training In Courage
A friend recently commented on the difficult year I endured eight years ago when myeloma entered my world. I hesitated when I heard this. “Don’t tell me that cancer was a gift,” she said.
Myeloma was more of a puzzle than a gift. All the puzzle pieces were tossed up into the air. Myeloma called upon me to wake up and become brave in order to put myself back together.
Myeloma also added a veil of specialness to my life. I had professionals, friends, and family offering me all kinds of extra attention—a lifeboat of visits, cards, and prayers.
A month after my diagnosis, a friend mailed me a box containing 100 wrapped gifts with a card instructing me to open one whenever I needed a lift. Some days I opened several gifts! I continue to treasure the gesture of this gift.
Months later, as my health began to stabilize, the extra support naturally diminished, and I was relieved to return to my new normal life.
However, a sense of loss lingered along with my new condition of wellbeing. I wondered—what next? I was not whole yet—simply no longer broken. The “veil of specialness” was lifted, but myeloma left me feeling like a fragile teacup. I worried that I may “break” again.
Courage is accepting fully things as they are and saying “yes” to life.
The meditation teacher, Chögyam Trungpa, endured many hardships early in his life that instilled a great confidence to continually remind his students “You can do it.” I frequently tell myself the same words.
The Buddhist tradition centers around the four streams of human life: birth, old age, sickness, and death. Once a child and mother are united in the process and labor of being born, there is no turning back. The passage must be made.
And so it is with myeloma. Once the diagnosis has been received, there is another kind of passage to travel.
In my case that passage included chemotherapy, autologous stem cell transplantation, and vertebroplasty. There was so much to fear along the way—needles, pain, diagnostic tests, medication side effects, weakness, dependence, and death. Staying present in all of it has been an exercise in courage.
We may strive to preserve as much youthfulness and health as possible through exercise, diet, and cosmetics, but there is no stopping the natural process of our aging cells. The body machine requires more maintenance and upkeep than any of the machines we use on a daily basis. Every being with a body will get sick at some point.
Every morning I water my green plants and pick off the withered brown leaves and flower heads. It reminds me of impermanence.
Courage is not an absence of fear. It is embracing fear in order to fully experience the events of our personal journey. We naturally lean toward the familiar and comfortable. Myeloma requires dwelling in unpleasant sensations and the unknown.
Fear has become an ally. Myeloma continues to be a puzzle, but the puzzle of how to live with it is an ongoing process—the pieces come together and fall apart again.
The more I pay attention to what is actually happening to me, the more I open to all possibilities and enjoy the streams of human life.
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Nice post Pat! While I would have been fine to avoid this road with MM/Cancer, I must say I have met the most amazing beings along the way who have enriched my life beyond measure. Conquering, understanding, accepting, fears on all manner of areas was indeed my challenge as a caregiver and helping Dave to do so as well, gently and with care.
What a lovely comforting letter. I am a MM sufferer who has completed a year of chemo and an autologous Stem cell transplant.Sadly these procedures have not brought the desired effect and I must try something else.I have days when I can cope and days when I lose my courage.I am to try Pomalidomide as my first option,so I hope this works for me.I am resident in Switzerland originally from the UK and find this Myeloma beacon a great help and follow every word.I feel it is like a game of poker and we don't really know where we are all heading. I live each day and enjoy the little things in life and tend not to take life too seriously now.
Wise that you found courage to go forth, to look at the small moments of each day, especially with humor. I find that having such a serious diagnosis has allowed me to let go of "control." There is very little I can do about myeloma -- except go to treatment & try to live a healthy life with exercise and food. So for most things (world news, hurricanes, family problems) I remove myself without worry and feel very relaxed because I simply can't do anything about them. I enjoy your writing! Suzanne
Love your posts Pat. And reference to Buddhism. I have been a reader of Buddhist information for 20 years, and never knew how much it really was and meant until I was diagnosed in Jan 2011 with MM. Thanks again for the great post!
jan
I really related to your column today. I am in remission after autologous transplant (18 months ago) but also feel a bit like I am in an ongoing process of learning how to live with the uncertainty. I can also relate to the increased attention and support and then the loss of that attention as I adjusted to the new "normal," a good thing, but a little sad as well. Thanks for putting into words so eloquently what many of us are feeling.
Great article. Well one thing is for sure for us MM patients as Wwell as everyone else-nothing stays the same-everything changes. We just have to go with the changes and make the best of it. Staying positive and keeping a sense of humor helps!
"Fear has become an ally. Myeloma continues to be a puzzle, but the puzzle of how to live with it is an ongoing process—the pieces come together and fall apart again."
Thank you Pat. There is so much wisdom in this post.
Lately, the puzzle pieces seemed incomprehensibly scattered. I feel rejuvenated by reading you. You make sense out of cancer's bewildering journey.
Very insightful, Pat! You have inspired several new Beacon column ideas for me. We all share so much. Many multiple myeloma related truths are universal! I'm so glad you are doing well--and sharing your experiences with us. Thank you!
I so appreciate all the comments!
Thank you Pat for a small look into your Myeloma journey. I needed your positive comments today.
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