Late last year, my mother-in-law, Marie, lost her long battle with colon cancer. A few months before she died, I remember visiting her in the nursing home on a particularly bad day in September.

Marie was in pain—a lot of pain. I checked with the nurses station. The evening nurse was sympathetic, but unable or unwilling to help.

Fast forward one week. Marie seemed to be doing better. But not before my wife, Pattie, and I "rattled a few cages" and convinced Marie's physician, nurses, and nursing home personnel to take her situation seriously!

On the advice of one of my oncology nurses at the time, Dody Lunde, I requested that an emergency multi-disciplinary care conference be held as soon as possible to assess Marie’s condition and make recommendations for the future. Pattie also scheduled a surgical consult.

Those of you with loved ones in assisted living, a nursing home, or long-term hospitalization may already be familiar with these "meetings of the minds." Such meetings of a patients' medical team (nurses, social worker, physical therapist, and physicians) can be held in person or by teleconference. These conferences are standard in most long-term care situations—but sometimes you need to request one.

Without this intervention, my mother-in-law wouldn't have gotten on the two different types of medication that eventually allowed her to rest comfortably.

We all need help like this from time to time while dealing with our health care system: help filling out insurance forms, transportation to and from various appointments, someone to take notes during our doctor appointments, or someone to lobby for more or different medications when we are in pain or distress. I am fortunate to have Pattie to act as my advocate and caregiver.

Having a primary caregiver is important, but each multiple myeloma patient also needs an advocate—someone to help fight day-to-day battles with the health care system and insurance companies. This might be your caregiver. Or it can be someone else—another friend, nurse, social worker, or family member.

At the same time, I have also seen too many patients who turn their entire medical care over to their caregiver or advocate, which is not something that I recommend.

The majority of emails I get requesting help or information are from caregivers, not the patient. When I travel to speak to multiple myeloma support groups around the country, more often than not it is the caregiver—a friend, husband, or wife—who takes notes and asks the questions.

Sometimes I see caregivers at support group meetings doing more than asking questions. They do everything for the patient to the point that they have become totally dependent on their help. Sometimes this is the result of an overzealous or well-meaning caregiver. At other times I get the feeling the patient is taking advantage of their caregiver. In this case, the caregiver is enabling the patient by assuming all responsibility for their day-to-day care.

Patients, health permitting, never forget your most important advocate is YOU! Resist the temptation to allow those around you to shoulder all of the responsibility for your care.

And caregivers, resist the temptation to do everything for your loved one. Work tirelessly to keep them engaged and participating. Help when you must, but only when it is in the patient's best interest.

After all, two heads are better than one and beating myeloma should be a team effort!

Feel good and keep smiling! Pat